


Seven is not just a number

by Dexilt



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: AU, Anime, Antonio - Freeform, F/M, Fanfiction, Feliciano - Freeform, Lovino - Freeform, Manga, Other, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Prussia - Freeform, Romance, Romano, Schizophrenia, Yaoi, spamano - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-29
Updated: 2018-12-27
Packaged: 2019-09-02 04:37:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 26,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16779727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dexilt/pseuds/Dexilt
Summary: It was in November Lovino found his parents dead in their bedroom, and a gun pointed towards his new born brother. He didn't know what else to do, than take the bullet.That left him in the hospital, with a new friend. Seven.Lovino gets diagnosed with PTSD, (even schizophrenia) and is forever stuck with a voice in his head. When he is able to start Highschool, everyone is scared of the boy. He forever looks angry and always talking to himself.But that just makes Antonio, a senior, curious about the boy.This is a Spamano fanfic, written from Lovinos POV





	1. November night

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first chapter of Seven Is Not Just A Number, and I just wanted to say that it is really dark and that you should be careful reading it. PTSD (and schizophrenia) is a syndrome where a person can experience different syndromes often caused by scary events. One of the most normal syndromes are hearing voices inside your head, which is what happened to Lovino.
> 
> with that said, I hope you enjoy my fanfic~

He was four years old the first time he spoke to Seven.

It had been just a few months after his parents had been murdered in front of the boy. It had been a cold November night.

It was like any ordinary day for the small boy, just that this night, his mother would return home from the hospital. He would meet his little brother for the first time, and he felt happy about it. His grandpa was sitting in the couch with the smaller boy in his lap, playing small games with him while singing songs to him in a soft melody that made him feel safe. The stars were out, and the moon was shining in on the two from the small window behind the grey couch.

Then knocking was heard from the door and his parents walked in, with a smaller boy in their arms. His parents had big smiles on their faces while they looked towards the older boy, coming running to them, eager to see his new brother. His mother sat down on her knees, showing the four year old the new family member.

Feliciano. That was what his father told him his brothers name was. Feliciano's hair reminded him much of his own, it just had a lighter shade to it. Plus he didn't open his eyes. Apparently, he was sleeping soundly. Lovino thought that his brother was beautiful and couldn't help but to be proud that the small human being in front of him would be his little brother. He swore he would forever protect the smaller one, even if it would cost him his everything. Even his tomatoes.

Feliciano had to sleep in his parents room. That made Lovino a little grumpy. He wanted to have Feliciano sleeping inside of his room. But his parents had to explain that Feli was a young little baby who needed his parents close by, in case anything happened. But to satisfy the boy he got to sleep with his grandpa instead.

They sang their lullaby together, which they did every night. It was soothing. Like a tradition. It always made Lovino be able to sleep better, and usually avoid getting nightmares. And then they went to bed.

It was quiet outside. They lived in a small village on the countryside. A small village where everyone knew the others names, and where they all seemed to get along. No one ever disturbed.

But that night, someone decided to break the peace.

The only thing Lovino remembers were hearing a loud bang from down the hall outside his door. His eyes flew up, and he sat in the bed. He turned to look on his grandpa, the old man was still sleeping calmly next to him. Maybe, it had just been a dream trying to haunt him. But something just...Didn't feel completely right.

Then he heard footsteps, walking slowly and quiet outside and past the door. That made the boy realize that it just wasn't a dream. Something was going on outside his bedroom. It might just be his mother coming to get a glass of water, he thought. But either way, he was curious just like any other child was. So he threw his little blanket at the side, as he slowly slide down the bedside and down to the cold wooden floor. His shirt which was too big for him, fell down his body. One foot in front of the other, he reached to grab a hold of the door knob.

The younger boy opened the door and peeked outside. He was just able to catch a glance of a figure, a dark figure, sneaking around the corner, and towards the stairs. It was too tall to be his mom, but a bit too thin to be his dad.

He glanced back to his grandpa, who was still sleeping in the bed where he had just been in. Then, he slowly stepped out of the bedroom and made his way to follow the figure. He thought it was weird, having someone sneak around like this. Who could it be? Either way, the boy felt brave as he followed the figure quietly up the stairs. Lovino had always been a small child, so he didn't make the stairs whine or anything while he crawled up.

The figure stopped outside his parents bedroom, grabbing something from his waist. It was a weird looking object. Lovino had never seen such a thing before in his life. it looked like two blocks put together.

The other human opened the door, and a loud BANG was heard throughout the house. This, made Lovino cover his ears and grith his teeth. It hurt his ears. But then, a loud screaming was heard. His mom.

Hearing his mom scream in such agony made him scared, and he called out on his mom, running into their bedroom, only to hear the loud noise again. His father was on the ground, and his mom fell towards the floor to. Blood seemed to pour out from his father. The sight making Lovino scream again for his father.

His mom, was a doctor in the village. She treated the wounded and sick. Sometimes she even let Lovino help her as she tried to tell him, that if he ever saw someone bleeding a lot, and not like a small wound, but blood flooding out and covering the ground like rain in the morning, he would have to immediately alarm anyone nearby.

His father was bathing in blood, and didn't answer him. When that happened, his mom had told him the person had died. It happened once. He was playing with his mother in the small cabin when a man came in, his leg was stained red and blood was pouring out. She yelled at Lovi to look away as she tried to help the man.

Then she came back, looking all sad and down.

"Mother! Mother! How's the man? Did you help him? Mother what's wrong?"

She grabbed Lovino, holding him tightly to her chest as she had explained for her small son that the man was in a better place. She had explained that a human needed blood to survive, and that she couldn't save him in time.

That is exactly how the boys father was like now. He knew it.

The man had pointed the object to his little brother who was now screaming and crying. Lovino acted out. Because he wanted time to get to know his brother before leaving him. Plus he didnt want to put the smaller one through pain of a wound. So he ran. And just when the loud bang once again filled the house, Lovino threw himself over his brother.

The bullet entered his side, and the last thing he heard was his grandpa screaming, and a window getting crushed.

He woke up later on, in a room as white as snow. He heard a sigh and turned his head around where he saw his grandpa sitting in a chair, with his baby brother in his arms. "Thank god" the older man said. Lovino didn't understand anything. Where was he? What happened? Why wasn't his parents there?

Then two people, all dressed in white walked inside the room. Lovino noticed that he had tubes and needles in his arms, and that a machine was next to him. The machine had strange numbers on it. Even strange lines. He was scared.

"Hello there, Lovino. I'm doctor Karev" one of the people said, smiling kindly to him. It was a man, who looked to be around thirty. And nice. "Do you know what happened?" Karev asked him. Lovino shook his head. He was confused, he was scared. He wanted his mother and father to hold him. His head hurt, and so did his side. He wanted to cry, but no tears came.

"Where's mom?" The small boy asked, and suddenly the doctors face lost their cool. Their mouths fell as they looked down. Lovino shook his head. Because that is exactly how his mother had looked like when she had told him that the man was in a better place, and that they would never see him ever again.

"Bring me mom!" he cried out.

Then, when he had to return to daycare a few months later, and his friends wanted to play with their blocks, Lovino got reminded of the object the figure had pointed towards his parents and his brother. The object, which had made him lost his parents forever. He screamed and cried as a voice filled his head.

A voice who he named Seven.

The voice stuck with him, telling him what to do and not to do. Seven kept him company. But the voice told him he wanted him well, but in reality, it didn't. His grandpa started to notice this, and took Lovino to the hospital again. It was a long ride, and painful. Because Lovino was screaming and crying, begging the car to stop. Seven told him to jump out the window, but the boy couldn't.

Later on, he was diagnosed with PTSD.

They had to move out from the small village Lovino had started his life in, where he had lived for four years. He had to move towards a bigger city, where he was close to a hospital, a real one, where he could get help in case anything happened. Because as long as Seven was in his mind, he was never going to be safe again.


	2. Out the window

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello and welcome to a new chapter of Seven Is Not Just A Number! In this chapter, there's mentions of attempted suicide, just a little warning. Otherwise enjoy!

"Schizophrenia is a chronic and severe mental disorder that affects how a person thinks, feels, and behaves. People with schizophrenia may seem like they have lost touch with reality"

________________________________________________________________________________

It was an ordinary day for anyone who was in their right state of mind. If they were not going to do something special as travelling away, or maybe go home to a buddy of theirs and play the newest game. Maybe, his brother would finally confess to that stupid ass shit fucking German.

But for Lovino it was not an ordinary day.

He sat in class, in the back so no one would notice him sitting and mumbling. Seven was there again, talking to him like a friend he never had before. If Seven counted as a friend or not he didn't know, did friends try to make you jump out the window from the third floor? He didn't know. The doctors always tried to give him medicine so that the voice inside of his head would go away, but since Seven was his only friend, and the only one that actually kept him company.

"Not now, Seven. I can't. Plus I would die, you know?" He grumbled as he tried to focus on the teacher talking to the class, trying to learn them about god knows what. Seven just didn't wanna yield today, huh? Such a pain. His grades could drop and the doctors would notice that he isn't taking his medicine like he should.

"Do it anyways. DO IT" Seven screamed in his head, giving Lovino a headache as he tried to ignore the voice screaming at him to jump out the small window next to him. He looked out of it. Just outside the window, people were running around over the payment. They all looked small from up where he was. Teachers sat and watched as some tried to play basketball, two other students were in the corner heavily making out, thinking no one would see them. That's gross.

"Excuse me, miss...Can I just, go to the bathroom real quick?" he asked because he just couldnt take it anymore. It was too much. He had to get away, he had to go somewhere else. He had to run away. His heart was beating quickly inside of his chest as he looked around him. Everywhere around it looked like a darkness coming to creep up to him.

"No, stay. Jump. Look, they're staring at you. So stupid you are" Seven told him and Lovino had to bite his lip as the teacher looked on him, she was smiling, but to Lovino, it looked like she was smirking, as she had just killed someone and Lovino had walked in on it. Now he was going to die.

"Well, its stupid! You're so stupid. You should go and die" Lovino laid a hand over his mouth as he stood up. It wasn't true, it was just Seven playing with him. His sweet teacher would never say that to him...Right? Or would she? He didn't know anymore. He didn't know what was reality and what was Seven's games anymore. It was all mashed up and thrown into a bowl let for him to decide.

He ran out of the classroom, hearing loud noises behind him. Probably everyone in his class laughing at how stupid he was, at how useless he could be. Just running away like that, just because Seven was talking to him? Just because his so called friend was trying to play games with him. He had brought this upon himself after all. He had not listened to the doctors, and that had meant having to deal with Seven non stop.

He ran down the empty halls, and swung the bathroom door opened as he ran inside, panting loudly while looking into the mirror and at himself. On his shoulder, a small wound was forming. A dark red hole burying itself into his flesh. And down the hall, a single line of blood formed as it ran down his shoulder. Just like he had been shot, like his parents had been. In front of him. Like he had been too.

It was hard trying to remember anything that happened, all he remembered was a true pain and seeing how his parents fell to floor and didn't answer him while he screamed. He didn't even remember their faces, because he couldn't look at their photos anymore. It gave him panic attacks. Since they're dead.

He screamed as he fell on to the floor, looking up towards the mirror, his chest raising itself up and down quicker and quicker by each second. When he landed on the cold ground, he felt himself land in something sticky. It was warm, like a liquid. But it was thick. So it was impossible for it to just be warm water someone had left running from a stall. He raised his hand and looked at it. Red. It was all painted red.

He screamed once again as he crawled against the wall behind him. He put his hands over his ears, trying to block out the horrible sound coming from him. He wanted it all to stop, he wanted to die. He couldn't take the torture anymore, it was too much, overwhelming him. Like a black hole just waiting to capture him and never let him go again.

"Hey, it's fine. Don't worry"

A voice called to him, which didn't fit in with any other voices he had heard. It was talking softly to him, but it had a kind of roughness in it. He looked up, seeing another man standing in front of him, his face seemed to be filled with worry, as it looked on to Lovino who was sitting there, shaking in fear.

"Hey there little boy. It's okay, everything is fine"

He sounded German, jesus christ. That made him think about Ludwig, the guy Feliciano was totally crazy about. He was a stupid German. Feliciano...Lovino suddenly felt in the need of seeing his brother, to make sure he was okay and safe. What if he was getting shot? What if he was hurt? Lovino's tears started to run down his cheeks.

"Feliciano!" he cried out "Bring me Feli! My Feliciano!" He needed his brother so badly. Feliciano knew what he was going through and nobody understood Lovino as good as his brother. He didn't care if Feliciano was in the middle of a goddamn test. He wanted his brother and needed him desperately. So he saw the other male walk out of the room and run down the corridor, like he knew who Feli was. But of course, his younger brother was a sweetheart, kind and loving. Everyone liked Feli.

And soon, his brother came running into the bathroom, stopping as he saw his older brother in the floor, crying and screaming. It took a while before Lovino noticed the other one looking down to him. Feliciano knew that if he moved too quickly, he could worsen the attack his brother was in. So he slowly inched closer, talking in a low and soft voice to his brother, telling him exactly what he was doing.

"Hey Lovino it's okay. I'm going to hug you now, okay?" and slowly Feli sat down on his knees and wrapped his arms around the older one. It calmed Lovino down. Feliciano smelled like pasta and home, which made him a little more at ease. His brother was safe and not in a small bed with a gun pointed towards him. He was here in school, next to him. Safe and sound, hugging him tightly.

"Feliciano.." he sniffed quietly holding tightly onto his brothers arms. He loved his brother. Even if the smaller one often could get on his nerves. But they had always been there for each other nonetheless. Then, he felt Feliciano wiggle, like he tried to get a hold of something. Then he felt something cold poke his arm. He knew exactly what it was. Lovino shook his head. "No" he muttered.

"Take your pills, Lovino. It's getting worse. You have to"

Lovino didn't want to be alone, sitting in the classroom like an idiot. He couldn't face the class all on his own. But he had nobody. His brother was in classes under him, so the younger one couldn't spend time with his older brother and protect him fully from the horror that he had to face daily. But then again, Seven was playing games with him again. And he could've died there. Plus Feliciano had brought those pills with him that he had. Well, Feliciano always kept them nearby. This wasn't the first time after all Lovino had been yelling after his brother while Seven wanted to play games with him.

In the end, Lovino grabbed the small bottle and opened the cap. He placed one of the pills inside his hand, looking at it. Seven was screaming at him to not do it, that he had just wanted to play. Seven screamed to Lovino to throw the pills away, and punch Feliciano in the face and run away again. But he would never be able to hurt his little brother just like that. Especially not punch him in the face. So he quickly threw his hand towards his mouth and the pills landed on his tongue. He swallowed them dry and coughed lightly, looking back at Feliciano who was smiling.

They looked rather similar, he and his brother. They both had the red-ish hair color. Just that Lovino's hair was slightly darker. The same went from the small piece of hair strand that always stood out from their heads. One thing that was easy to tell them apart was that Feliciano was always happy and cheerful. He was good at everything, drawing, talking caring. He had lots of friends and everyone adored the younger one. Meanwhile, people found Lovino as a freak since he always walked around mumbling to himself. And when people tried to talk to him, he just swore every word that he could possibly think of and tell them to 'fuck off'. It was always Seven talking and not him. He wanted to have friend, he wanted to be able to have a friend.

"Thank you" he mumbled while leaning his head on the smaller ones shoulder. He closed his eyes as he tried to calm down. Feliciano was talking softly to him, probably about how his day had been. He said something in the lines of making pasta in cooking class, but he had made it too long so it was just a long strand of pasta. Which was really cute, but still cool. He wondered how Feliciano always could do such things. Then he got quiet, which made Lovino a little bit worried. His brother was never quiet.

"What's wrong?" Lovino asked while opening his eyes, they met Feliciano's worried ones. He didn't like when they looked like that. Feliciano should be laughing, smiling, and just being happy. That's how he wanted his brother to be. Happy. But instead he made him worry about his older brother. What an idiot, making his little brother having to run across the school just to save him from himself. Pitiful, truly.

"I'm worried about you," He mumbled while turning his head down and stare towards the floor. Feliciano had panicked when Gilbert came running to him, saying Lovino was screaming after him, laying on the floor inside the bathroom on the third floor. It had hurt him when he saw the other one, his saviour broken like that. It truly broke his heart.

"Please, Feliciano dont be-"

"Lovino! You were crying and shaking while screaming in the bathroom!"

Lovino looked up, Feliciano's cheeks were wet from the salty tears that was streaming down from his eyes. That was like getting stabbed in the chest for Lovino. He hated when Feliciano cired. Mostly because he never did, he was always smiling and happy. He didn't cry much. So Lovino quickly sat on his knees, grabbing his brother's face with his hands as he stared on Feli.

"Hey! Don't cry you know I hate it when you cry, Feliciano please" He begged while stroking some of the red hair behind Feli's ears, bringing out that round and cute face. Which looked to be in pain. Mostly because of Lovino. Just because he couldn't see the differences between reality and not. He had put the pain in those eyes.

"But it's getting worse Lovino! Please start taking your meds again...And go to the doctors. I don't want to lose you." Lovino had started avoiding the doctors more often. Mostly because he felt more and more lonely the more time passed. Seven was the only one he could actually talk to. Even if it usually was about if Lovino should kill himself or not. It was still something. So Lovino said nothing, he just listened to Feliciano's sniffling and looked at him.

The younger brother grabbed his brothers wrists and stood up, pulling Lovino up with him. Lovino was slightly confused why his brother suddenly wanted to stand up. But then he walked towards the door, his grip on Lovino never letting go. They walked out the door, Feliciano still crying softly while pulling his brother through the corridor. And then Lovino realized were they were going. "Feliciano-!"

"Be quiet Lovino. I'm doing this because I love you"

Lovino didn't want to go to the school nurse. She would probably send him up to the therapist and make him talk or try to help him get rid of Seven. Or anything. He didn't want that. He needed Seven at times. He couldn't go back to being all alone again. Everything scared him. Because Seven always wanted him to commit suicide, or mess with his reality. But the voice in his head talked to him, not many people did that.

Soon they stood outside the door to the nurse and Feliciano knocked on the door, holding Lovino in a tight grip. He was scared. So, his younger brother talked softly to him in italian, telling him about that it was getting warmer now, and that summer was slowly moving forward. That eased Lovino. Hearing his little brother speaking italian just felt good. That meant he had someone and his mother language just felt like home.

Soon, an older lady, maybe around her late forties, opened the door and looked on Lovino. She wore a soft smile as she welcomed the two brothers into the room. She knew all about Lovino. She often also tried to help him while his visions started to lure, or if Seven told him to kill himself, hurt anyone. Or when he felt watched. She always helped him, but if it got too bad, she had to send him up to the hospital.

"Welcome Lovino! So, is Seven back?" she asked and made him sit down in a chair at the other side of the desk. The room smelled weird, and it was light. The window had not been covered and the walls were white, creating a typical hospital room. Just that the room didn't have a monitor or anything. But it did contain a lot of strange devices and more normal ones.

He nodded his head as he looked down. Feliciano sat down next to him, looking at the nurse.

It felt nice having Feliciano there. He didn't know why, but whenever his younger brother decided to follow him in it felt a little more safe and better. Plus that way he could see the other, and see that he was fine and not getting shot or hurt in any way.

"I found him in the bathroom again. Or, Gilbert did. Lovi was screaming a lot after me apparently and he had to run and get me. When I arrived, Lovino was sitting on the floor crying. I managed to make him eat a pill, too. But I still wanted to bring him here. Seven seems to be pushing him more often than usually" Feliciano explained while rubbing carefully on Lovino's back.

The nurse nodded, as she turned to Lovino. His head hung down, not wanting to face her. He was a little bit ashamed, he had probably scared the shit out of Gilbert. Plus had to disturb Feliciano. He truly was a pain in the ass, huh?

"Lovino, have you taken your medicine daily?" she asked while taking a notepad and a small pen, clicking it as the tip came forth. He swallowed as he shook his head. Because he hadn't, plus he did skip therapy last Friday. Which he probably soon would be scolded for.

She let out a small sigh as she noted it down in her notebook. Of course she was disappointed, what had he been expecting? "Well, Lovino. You have to take it, otherwise, we can't stop Seven. We have to get the voices away from you somehow. They might tell you to do things that you really shouldn't. And believe me, giving in to them is a lot easier than it sounds like. Tell me, Lovino. Did Seven ever tell you to do anything like that?"

Yes, was the answer to her question. Seven told him to jump out the window just half an hour or so ago. Which he didn't do. But the other day, Seven did tell him to jump in front of a car. It took him his everything to not do it. He had been standing on the sidewalk almost shaking as he heard Seven scream inside his head to jump. But he didn't. If he was lucky or not for being able to stand away, he didn't know. Maybe, he should jump in front of a car, next time.


	3. Seven or Spain?

"Symptoms of schizophrenia usually start between ages 16 and 30. In rare cases, children have schizophrenia too.

The symptoms of schizophrenia fall into three categories: positive, negative, and cognitive.Symptoms of schizophrenia usually start between ages 16 and 30. In rare cases, children have schizophrenia too"

\-----

He was sitting in the corner, playing with his fork in his food. Feliciano had made him pasta, with tomatoes. He didn't know exactly why his brother would decide to make him his favorite food, but he guessed it was because of what had happened yesterday.

It had been horrible having to deal with Seven inside of his mind like that. Especially in the middle of a lesson. People has been looking at him strangely today. But he guessed that's what was to be expected after yesterday's incident. He had refused to tell the class about Seven. He didn't want people to...ask him about it. He didn't want people to ask about his past or why he had it, how it was.

So, people most really know by this point that there is something wrong with Lovino Romano Vargas. The boy talked to himself, suddenly ran out of class and was found crying and screaming in the men's bathroom all by himself. Plus they had no explaining behind it. So people probably thought he was insane, crazy. Which was what some might call it.

Suddenly, he noticed in the corner of his eye, something else filling the seat next to him. Strange. No one ever even dared to go near him, usually. Only when it was absolutely necessary. So he was curios, and tilted his head a little to the side so he was able to see who was having the guts to come near him. Judging from the uniform, it was a male. It probably was Feliciano so he looked up. "Feliciano what's u-"

He stopped himself as he looked into green jade eyes filled with happiness and life. They were beautiful. As cliche as it sounds, he felt himself wondering about those eyes that looked exactly like a polished jade stone. They held some special light to him. They had so many words in them, but Lovino wasn't able to catch even one of them. 'Stop staring you dumb idiot', Seven mumbled to him and Lovino quickly looked down again and away from the green eyes. The person those eyes belonged to probably had run out of space to sit.

"Hello there! You're Feliciano's brother, right?"

That voice just reeked of Spanish. The man was obviously a Spaniard judging by his accent. His voice was not too deep, but it was cheerful and warm. Like it actually wanted him well. But nobody wanted him well, except for his brother. Speaking of his brother, this man seemed to know Feliciano. But almost everyone knew his little brother. The younger one was loved by everyone around. So he wasn't surprised. But the fact that he knew Feliciano was his brother meant that Feli somehow had told someone about it. Because the two italian brothers were not in the same class after all.

"Who the fuck are you?"

Lovino's voice came out a little harsher than he had intended from the beginning. But he guessed that's how it would be now. How it would always be. He would scare away the stupid Spaniard away immediately. Somehow, Lovino always managed to do that. He usually thought it was because of Seven, and that his little friend liked to take over him or torture the italian with his games.

"You don't know me? Oh! I'm hurt! We're in the same class! Or, most of them anyways."

Lovino bit his lips as he started to feel a little bad. He knew second to none names in his own class. He never even tried to learn a single name or try to look at their faces. He wouldn't have to socialize with them, so there was no need for it. Plus the teachers knew about his little...problem. So they usually had to let him have it his way for learning stuff. But when they had group projects, Lovino usually didn't even try to help or listen to the others in the group. He just let them to their thing. And his classmates never cared about him anyways.

"Well, I never bothered learning everyone's stupid names. I would not have use for them anyways." Lovino grunted quietly as he looked up again, but not so he would be able to look into the other boys eyes. He couldn't concentrate while looking at them. They had such a weird power over them. They drag him in, into a whole nother world where everything seems to be so beautiful. He had to focus.

"Oh well, Lovino. My name is-"

"I don't need to know your stupid name."

It would have been a lie if he said he didn't flinch slightly at this strange boy calling him by his name. The name rolled of that Spanish tongue too perfect, making him shiver. He only heard his name in the english and italian accent. But in Spanish...damn it was doing something to his brain. And he didn't like it all. He didn't like that this stupid spanish bastard managed to make his name sound so..nice.

"But Lovi-"

"That's Romano for you."

Well, he couldn't have this strange kid say his name like that over and over again, making Lovino lose his focus. He didn't know why he felt like that whenever his name rolled of the green-eyes bastards tongue. It just, sounded so good. It was probably only his mind playing with him, and with his mind, it was Seven. Yeah, it was Seven making it sound that way. It was all Seven making his chest feel tight. Stupid Seven, he didn't want to play now. Someone else than Feli was actually talking to him. Which never happened unless it was Nonno, or the doctors. Plus the stupid teachers.

"Romano," the spaniard tasted on it. "it'll work. A cute name fits a cute person, right?"

Lovino's face turned crimson at that. Cute? No one ever called him cute. That was his brother, not him. Feliciano was cute and not him. Who the FUCK does this guy think he is? Calling his middle name cute, too? Was this guy stupid? Braindead? Seven. It must be Seven mixing up all the words trying to hurt him. Because no one would never ever call him cute in any way. But he always wanted someone...to like him. But no way in hell would he ever admit that. It was his own secret and not a single soul did have to to know.

"You dumb fuck. Your words are getting mixed up-"

"Mixed up? How?"

Damn did this idiot let him finish? What the fuck was he thinking asking such stupid questions? Lovino would never even tell him about it. He would not tell a single soul more about his little 'friend' inside of his mind. He didn't want more hell than he already had. But he would probably deserve it all. He deserved to be treated as an asshole. He deserved to be called a freak because that's what he deserved most of all. He was a disgrace. Not being able to do anything right. He saved Feli, but not his parents. He got shot, and got into the hospital. Then, Seven came. They had to move from the village where his father, Nonno, and his mother had been raised. It was meant for them to also live their lives in the village and get married to a cute girl, and then get their own kids. But no. Feliciano will never know of that life. And both of them will live the city life.

"Shut the fuck up. Leave me alone, bastard."

He heard a small laugh, and he saw a smile grow bigger on that idiots face. A small blush was tinting those round, soft looking cheek. It made Lovino's heart stop and just stare. It was so beautiful, but so fucking stupid. Why was this idiot talking to him? Why was he laughing?

"Why are you-"

"Because you're adorable!"

Did this guy ever let him finish? Who the fuck does he even think he are? Honestly. How the fuck can he be adorable? He is just insulting the shit out of this guy. And the Spaniard looks like he is happy and have been blessed. Lovino was really confused of this.

"Okay listen here, Spain-"

"Spain?"

"Shut the fuck up or I'll punch you. Have you ever heard of that it is rude to interrupt other people. Yes, you are Spain. Because you REEK of spanish you stupid ass-fuck"

Lovino muttered as he crossed his arms, scowling as he turned around so he would be able to look Spain without feeling uncomfortable. Plus so he could see full view of this idiot who had decided to call him these stupid things and talking to him.

And...Why is Seven quiet?

"Well, I'll guess that will work for now..."

Yes, dipshit. It will. Lovino stared at Spain. He looked really cute, but still handsome. He looked big, not in fat big, but more like tall and a lot of muscles. He could almost see all those muscles peeking up from underneath his uniform which looked so hot on him. Wait shit! He didn't mean to think of it like THAT. Okay nevermind, Seven is back messing up all his thoughts and his view. Spain was probably another image his mind created. And his voice was just Seven. Spain was not real, he was an illusion. It had to be like that. No one would never even go near him like that otherwise.

Then, suddenly, Spain stood up, looking at the clock and his face got pale. The bastard was probably late for his next class or something. Because soon, he stood up, saying a small apology and running away, leaving Lovino all to himself. The Italian was confused as to what just had happened. A boy had just came and talked to him? Calling him cute...

No that was all Sevens doing. No one would ever do that.

"Seven you stupid fuck. Are you really trying to break my heart? I can't take this. So please don't make me think he is real or that he is actually real." he mumbled as he also got up. His class started soon anyways. So there was no need to sit here and talk with Seven at the moment. Damn, he should have taken his pills... Because now, all he could think of was this stupid ass idiot. Lovino wondered, was he actually real?

"He is not real. Because no one would ever to be able to care about you, you're so stupid. Stupid, stupid..."

Lovino sighed as he sat outside the classroom, hugging his knees tightly and bringing them to his chest as he listened to Seven's words, drinking them all in. He was stupid, Seven was right. How could someone even be able to care about him? No one. Feliciano probably hated him too. His little brother probably wished Lovino had died that night instead of just getting away.

His teacher soon arrived, and the door was opened. Everyone hurried into the classroom, taking their normal seats. Lovino, like always, sat at his window.

The class was really boring. And in all honesty, Lovino didn't understand a shit what the teacher was saying. Lovino in the end, gave up on even trying to listen. He only thought about the boy he had met earlier. Or, 'met'. Since chances were he wasn't even real in the first place. That thought hurt. If Spain wasn't real. He wanted Spain to be real, but it was probably just Seven dressed up. And changing his voice to cover himself up.

And after a while, he was finally aloud to leave the classroom.

So he went to his locker, a small little space with a wooden door, and grabbed his stuff. He wasn't looking forward to his next lesson at all. It would probably just be staring out of another window, daydreaming or listening to what Seven told him. Lovino sighed quietly.

When he arrived to the classroom, however. The strange boy was sitting outside. Spain.

"Okay Seven, I get it. It's really fun to play but honestly, taking human form? That's unnecessary. You're already torturing me and I'm already talking to you. Honestly."

Lovino muttered as he stared on Spain. He must say, Seven was doing a great job to cover himself up. Because Spain couldn't be a real person... 

\-----

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N Just to make things clear, Antonio is real but Lovino doesn't wanna believe it. Some might get confused over it.


	4. Building up fear

Scientists believe that many different genes may increase the risk of schizophrenia, but that no single gene causes the disorder by itself. It is not yet possible to use genetic information to predict who will develop schizophrenia.

\---------------------------

It was a nice day, today. Everything was like it was supposed to be. Nothing was out of the ordinary. So when Antonio met up with Gilbert and Francis after school, he was surprised to see them, looking at him with questionable looks on their faces. Like they were trying out the last question in the math test. You know, the one who's always almost impossible to solve. So, Antonio realized that something had happened that he was not aware of.

"Hey, what happened? You look like you just saw a dancing elephant." Antonio walked up to them, standing between his friends. Francis, the all flirt with golden long hair and enchanting eyes. He always got girls all over him. Because he had that beauty about him. And Gilbert, a white-haired male with piercing red eyes. An Albino. He was that one that always had the most cruel ideas between them. He was not as popular around the girls. But he was still attractive. They looked the exact opposite, but they were all the same. The biggest troublemakers in the whole school.

"Antonio, dear.", Francis started. When Antonio got closer, he noticed that Francis looked worried. That was unusual, especially for Francis. Antonio narrowed his eyes, trying to understand what was up with his friend.

"Haven't you taken water over your head, 'Toni?"

Well, that was weird. Taken water over his head? He hadn't even done anything special today. The teacher had been left alone from all his troublemaking and he tried to stay out from problems. Maybe that's what they meant.

"Well, I tried my best and I actually stayed out of problem, so I think-"

"No I mean, you know you won't be able to go anywhere with Lovino. He is not like everyone else, you know. Believe me, not even your smile could get him falling for you. He is not like the other girls. Why did you chose him of all people? I mean, there's lots of other people literally in line to get close to you ass. And you go with Lovino? Haven't you seen him?"

Antonio tilted his head. He usually flirted with everyone that seemed to have even a little interest in him. And there was a lot of people finding him interesting and attractive. He could have any girl that he wanted to. But he had decided to talk to Lovino today. Which his friends found odd. He could have anyone he wanted, but he decided to go with the one person that everyone avoided. Mostly because he acted really weird. Feliciano had said that Lovino couldn't really help it, and when people asked why, he didn't wanna say more.

"I found him crying and screaming in the bathroom earlier today."

Antonio looked at Gilbert, confused. Lovino had seen fine, he just talked to himself and tried to shove people away. Never, would Antonio have guessed that Lovino was this ill. Crying and screaming, from what he didn't know. He wanted to know, though. Lovino...was something special. And now Antonio wanted to solve this.

"What? Why?"

"I dont know, he was crying and screaming begging for his little brother. So I had to run and get Feliciano, who looked like he knew exactly what it was. Plus...He grabbed something out of his pocket. Something that looked like a small...package kinda. I couldn't clearly see."

Antonio wondered, what was up with the italian brothers? Feliciano was happy, cheerful and had lots of talents. But something was up with Lovino, something only that Feliciano seemed to know about. An illness?

"I just want you to stay out of things, 'Toni. There's something wrong here. And I don't want you involved. I know how you can be. You find your prey, and seduce them. You don't give up and keep pushing, and then you leave. I'm afraid, if you try that with Lovino, you might be the one ending up in chaos." Francis concluded. It was true, what was said. Antonio locked on someone, and seduced them. Until they were in his grip. Then he left for another.

______________________________________________________________________

"Lovino! You can't keep going like this!"

Feliciano closed the door behind him as he walked into his brother's room, the older brother sitting on his floor, with his pen in his hand, and a small notebook in the other. Had it been anyone else, had he stared up with a glare. But now, it was Feliciano. His brother, his poor, little innocent brother that meant the world.

"Feliciano I'm s-"

"No you're not!"

That's when Lovino saw it, those amber eyes were blank. Filled with tears and so much pain. So small, so vulnerable. It hurt, it hurt so much and it killed Lovino. It felt like a knife, or getting shot again, seeing his brother in so much pain. Because he knew he was the one who had caused that pain. It was his fault.

"Feliciano! I can't help it! I can't!"

"But let me help you! You only push me away, you won't let me help you."

It...was true. Lovino only stayed away whenever Feli tried to make him go to the hospital, or when it was time to take his pills. Lovino turned into an animal sometimes when that happened, he could scream and throw things. It was Seven, telling him it was actually poison and that it was going to kill him. Or worse, it would hurt Feliciano. Sometimes, when Feliciano talked to him, Seven reformed the words to make them worse. It could be from Feliciano's sweet words, to harsh words, saying horrible things Lovino never would be able to repeat.

Now Lovino teared up, too.

"Feliciano...I'm sorry. But I don't wanna be alone!"

His voice was shaking as the words came out. Seven was the only one who actually talked to him, since Feliciano usually was in the other end of the school, far away from him.

Feliciano fell to the floor, he was crying. He didn't know what to do anymore. His brother was all alone, it was so horrible that he talked to his demons, inside his head. He talked with his hallucinations, since that was the only thing he could do. But that had his downside, and made Seven come out even when he was home or around his little brother. He could barely reach out to Lovino anymore.

"Feli!"

Lovino cried out and crawled to his brother, hugging him tightly while stroking his back, rubbing circles. Feliciano crawled into his brother's lap, hugging him tightly as he cried all his fear out. Everything that weighed him down.

"I want my brother, I want my brother."  
Feliciano said over and over again. He didn't wanna talk with Seven, he wanted to talk to his l

big brother instead. He wanted to be able to see Lovino smile, see happiness in those ambers eyes instead of fear. Like before Lovino stopped taking his medicine. Because when Lovino decided to stop take them, everything went downhill. But the brother was alone in school, or when his brother wasn't around. And he learned that Seven could keep him company.

"Feliciano, hey listen. It's me. I'm here. I'm here and I'm sorry. Please don't cry, you know how I hate to see you in pain. Please stop crying I'll be fine...I'll try to, I promise." 

Whenever he lied to Feliciano, his heart started to beat faster. The blood rushed through his body, while screaming how wrong this was, that it was a horrible choice. Seven took advantage of that, sometimes. But not now. Feliciano had managed to get him to take his pills, but with a lot of fighting. And apparently, it all was starting to come back to the smaller one.

Lovino hated that. He just wanted Feliciano to be safe, and happy.

Feliciano nodded to him, and Lovino let his fingers brush the other's soft and smooth hair. It always seemed to calm the little one down a bit. Whenever the younger brother had been nothing but a small baby, Lovino always used to let his fingers slip through the small patch of hair on his brother's head, and the baby was out in just a few minutes. He never had understood why it worked so well on Feli, but it did. Lovino himself, also found it really soothing when someone played with his hair, brushed it or just stroked it. But no one ever did. Mostly because the italian never let someone come too close. Nonno and Feliciano, was exceptions.

"You have to, Lovino. Otherwise I don't know what I would be able to do. I want you to be safe and happy. That's all that I want. I just want my brother back. I'm here for you, Seven can't. I know you're lonely, fratello. I know. But please don't turn to Seven because of that. I'm so sorry..."

"No, hey. Feli, I'm sorry. But sometimes I just can't take being alone. You're my only one. I know Seven isn't a true friend, but it's still something. You're younger, have other things to do. I don't blame you at all for these things. You can't help that you're on the other side of the school. " Lovino wiped the small tears away from his brother's cheek, giving him a small reassuring smile, trying to tell him things would be okay. He would try a little harder...Maybe.

Lovino wasn't sure what he was supposed to do, about it. He was an asshole, a creep. People hated him, they just loved his little brother. Which was still good. It may not seem like it to others, but having Feliciano happy mattered the most to him. He just wished he wasn't so damn selfish, so that he could give his little brother the love he deserved. Because Feliciano was a pure, kindhearted young boy with lots of happiness and joy.

"Come on, fratello..We need to go to bed, now. Otherwise Nonno will come in, or we'll oversleep." Lovino murmured as his younger brother gave a small nod, agreeing with him. So they got off from the floor, but Feliciano didn't go to his room. He just stood there, looking back at the brother. Lovino, got a bit confused at first, until he realized what the younger one was after.

"It can be dangerous, you know?"

"I don't care! You took your pills, it'll be fine, right?"

"What if I have a nightmare?"

"Then I'll help you through it!"

"You're so stubborn, damn it."

"Only because I love you."

Feliciano smiled a big smile as he started to climb into Lovino's bed, already in his pj-shirt. Lovino, couldn't wear one, though. It brought him an unnerving feeling. Nonno had told him it's been like that since the November night, and that he had been refusing wearing a pj. So he just laid down next to his brother in his boxers.

Lovino had always been scared, when Feliciano wanted to sleep next to him. He had nightmares, a lot of them. He could wake up screaming and crying as he didn't understand where he was, who he was or what he even was doing. He was afraid that he would wake up like that and scare his poor baby brother. But he never did, and Feliciano knew it was because whenever they were together, Lovino seemed to relax. Feliciano, was his anchor. Keeping him sane and safe. It should be the other way around, Lovino should protect Feli. He was the older brother after all.

His smaller brother nuzzled into his chest, and Lovino protectively wrapped his arms around the smaller one, feeling the smell from his other. It smelled soft, like pasta and tomatoes. He loved that smell. It smelled like home. And Feliciano gave out a certain warmth.They pulled the blanket over them, as they both softly drifted off. 

\-----------------

It was really hot outside, that day. Which, felt nice to the small boy. So he stood outside of the school and looked at the building. He already wanted to go home and leave this hellhole, and never come back. But he had no other choice than to walk inside, and go to his locker.

Inside, it was a bit cooler. Just a little, though. Not like it was a major change from the temperature outside.

When he swung the small locker-door opened, he was met with a surprise. A small little note was inside, even though Lovino was sure that he never had left a small piece of paper leaning against his books. Plus he weren't supposed to have a meeting with the nurse in two weeks, so it couldn't be her reminding notes either. She sent them through Feliciano anyways, it was the only way for her to be able to reach him.

He took the small note, and unfolded it with care. He was confused by it, and a lot of thoughts flew through his mind. The paper was soft, and felt nice to touch. It was cold, too. Then he saw a few words written with care on it. The cursive style was like no other handwriting he had seen before. It looked beautiful.

"Hola!", was the first word written on top of the note, and he could feel himself grow suspicious. His heart picked up its pace. There was only one person except for Feliciano who would even talk to him in school (except teachers, of course. But why would a teacher do that?), plus... He only knew one person who was Spanish.

"I wanna meet you after school, see me underneath the oak!"

Stupid, stupid, idiotic, bastard. Wanna meet him after school? Ha. Lovino smirked at the note as he crumbled it. No one would want to see him after school. He knew it. It was just a stupid joke. And damn, did that hurt. Because it couldn't be true. Lovino didn't understand why he felt his eyes get watery, as his chest felt heavy. Why would anybody want to see him?

He grabbed his books, and walked towards the trash can, ready to throw the small note into it. It would be gone, and it would take away the pain with it, it had to. It will. But still...Lovino felt conflicted about it. He was holding the crumbled note in his hand. It felt heavy to him. Like a weight. He didn't understand why, but soon he shook his head, and shoved the note down his pocket. It was foolish, but he needed to.

When he tried to go into the classroom, he felt something snatch his arm and drag him to the side. It felt like a hand that slithered around his arm. The panic rised inside of him. He was going to get killed, his arm was going to be teared from his body and he would die there. Maybe, Seven had decided that it was time to end his life once and for all. Lovino's eyes shot open as he tried to get free, his breathing getting quicker for every second that seemed to pass. And he was getting ready to scream. But soon a hand covered his mouth.

He was shaking, feeling himself getting pushed against the wall. The tears rolled down his face. He was scared. His demons had gotten a hold of him, finally. Maybe now, they would finally end him and all his torture. Now, maybe he could die. That scared him, but still...didn't sound all too bad.

"Lovi? It's just me!", a soft but rich voice said to him. It didn't sound like Seven at all. It wasn't Seven? But then who? Feliciano?! No...Feliciano didn't have a rich voice. His voice was more high pitched.

Lovino slowly opened his eyes, just to find himself staring into green, beautiful orbs that seemed to be screaming in worry. They were looking back at him, searching for something. Lovino didn't like it. He felt uncomfortable. Like he was melting away as he realized who was holding him against the wall, who was looking at him.

The hand got removed from his mouth and he breathed heavy through it, feeling some of the fear slowly leaving his chest. It wasn't Seven coming to kill him, it was the guy from the other day.

They just stood there for a while, staring at each other. Lovino trying to figure out what the other was thinking, why the reasons behind his actions were. Because what was going on? Asking to meet him, talking to him and grabbing him like this? Not even Feliciano would so some of those things. No one did those things. What did he know? Did he know about Seven? Or was he Seven?

At that thought, of Spain knowing about Seven..that the other man knew he was being haunted and followed by demons..Or that he was Seven in a new form...he ran away. Leaving Spain to wonder what just had happened, and why Lovino had acted like he had.


	5. Reach out

"The signs of schizophrenia are different for everyone. Symptoms may develop slowly over months or years, or may appear very abruptly. The disease may come and go in cycles of relapse and remission.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The air around him seemed heavy as his legs moved him through the crowded halls. There was people everywhere, laughing at him and pointing. Their voices rose up with their hurtful words. He tried to not listen to them, he tried to ignore every word that was being thrown at him. He had heard it all before anyways. He already knew that he was a freak, an asshole, stupid, weird, creepy, worthless and that he deserved to die. He knew it, he knew it all too well. He didn't need to hear it again.

Everything around him moved so slow, even though he was fighting to make himself move forward faster, away from all of this. It was getting darker, and his heart was pumping loudly in his chest, who seemed to get tighter after every step that he took. He couldn't outrun everyone around him, wherever he turned his eyes, they were still there. The tears ran down his cheeks, flooding down and leaving wet streaks behind them.

He fell to the floor, out of breath. His chest was on fire as he sat on the ground, shaking his head and trying to crawl away from all the students that were looking at him, laughing and screaming. Their faces seemed to mash into just black. Their eyes, mouth and noses seemed to just turn into a black color, which spread over their whole body quickly. Like demons, they hovered over him.

One of the creatures quickly ran to him. Their arm was as thin as a stick, and long. It reaches out its hand, that was mostly three fingers sticking out from the arm, and grabbed a hold of his shoulder. He couldn't help it, he screamed out. He screamed out as the tears flooded down his face. He was shaking horribly, trying to weakly fight off the creature who was holding him. Lovino wasn't thinking at this point, he was just thrashing and screaming. He closed his eyes shut tightly, whimpering out small 'no's over and over again.

"Lovino, hey it's okay it's just me. Everything will be alright, you're okay.."

Lovino shook his head over and over. The voices around him seemed to be slowly fading away, and instead got replaced by a softer voice. It seemed familiar, it felt safe. Instead of cold fingers on his shoulder, he felt a warm hand. It wasn't roughly laying there, more like softly holding it.

He slowly opened his eyes, scanning around him in pure panic for the creatures that were there just a minute ago. Instead, he found a young man sitting in front of him. His eyes were filled with worry, looking at him. They almost looked a watery, like they were about to spill it's tears any moment. The small boy studied him for a while, trying to take in this information. Where had the creatures gone? Who was this?

He sat and thought for a while. The man wasn't talking anymore. His lips had stopped moving. He released his grip around Lovino, leaning back again.

"Spain..?" Lovino whimpered the word out as he realized who it was in front of him. It was Spain, the annoying spanish guy who didn't seem to be able to leave him alone if so for just a second. The man who had dared to get close to him, who was not Feliciano, of course. What was he doing here though? Why was he here?

For a second, Lovino forgot everything. He just threw himself into Spain's arms. He was crying. He was afraid. His hallucinations had finally stopped, they had finally left him alone. They had left his brain from now. He was back in reality, back in school and the empty halls were no one else but them was. Seven had finally left him, for now.

Spain just hugged him, holding the crying boy and petting him, whispering calming words to him. He was confused about what had happened. He didn't understand why Lovino had just left as fast as he touched him. He didn't understand why Lovino had been shaking and screaming while crying in the halls as he thrashed around himself. He had gotten terrified at the view, but still he hadn't hesitated to try and calm the smaller boy down.

They sat there for a while, Spain just cradling Lovino, and Lovino crying quietly.

"Lovino?"

Spain whispered quietly after Lovino's whimpers had died down. They had been sitting there for at least half an hour now, and soon students would be rushing out of the classrooms and screaming while talking loudly about some crap that no one really cared about, unless you were a bitch. He didn't want to have Lovino to be in the middle of that now.

Lovino just looked up to meet those green orbs that were looking down at him. They seemed to hold a thousands of different questions for him, which he probably should answer. After all, anyone would've been wanting answers after what had just happened. That's when Lovino realized where he was, and what he was doing. He was laying in Spain's lap, crying his heart out and clinging onto him for dear life.

He quickly panicked, and crawled out of his lap. He fell down to the cold floor and stared at Spain in shock. He had let his walls down, damn it. This was bad. He was not supposed to talk to anyone, be around anyone. That's what Seven had warned him about over and over again. How he should never get close to anyone, how he should never let his walls down or let anyone in. He had failed Seven, and worse, Spain had witnessed him having his hallucinations. No one should know, no one is supposed to know. Seven was his secret.

"Lovino...?"

"You shouldn't have done that!" Lovino screamed it out, standing up and letting his arms wrap themselves around him. He was holding himself, looking down on the person that was still on the floor. He furrowed his brows together as he watched Spain stand up. He looked confused, even slightly hurt.

"Lovino I-"

"I don't care about your empty words, Spain!"

He didn't know why he suddenly felt so hurt by Lovino's words. They barely knew each other, and why they even met in the first place is because he wanted to have a new flirt. But it had changed somehow. He no longer cared about a one night stand with the boy, he just wanted to know what was wrong, and... help him. He wanted to be able to be there for Lovino and help him with what was going on right now. Never once, had he felt the need to save someone like this.

"Just...give up already and leave me alone."

The smaller boy walked away, holding himself as tight as he could as to ignore the stabbing pain in his heart. Because for some reason, he didn't want Spain to leave him. He wanted Spain to hold him, cradle him and save him from Seven. It was dangerous thoughts going on, because no one would ever wanna be close to someone like himself. Heck, he hated himself, so why would anybody else even like him?

His steps felt heavy as he made his way back to the classroom. He walked in, his head down. But still he knew how everyone would stare at him with their curious and judging eyes. The teacher stopped her talking, and everyone got quiet.

"Lovino, can I talk with you for a second?"

He nodded his head as he still stood in the doorway, hearing the teacher making her way towards him. They stepped out of the classroom, and his teacher made sure the door was well shut. She was a nice lady, her hair blonde and kind eyes with a soft voice that seemed to not be able to raise itself to an angry tone. Her touch was always soft. Lovino liked her, he felt bad that he never really paid so much attention to her classes.

"I know this is hard for you, but this has happened too many times now. Are you taking your medicine?"

He bit his lip as he looked up to meet her eyes, they seemed to be filled with pity. He didn't like that, when people pitied him. Plus, at this point there was no meaning in lying.

"Not really..."

"Lovino..You know you have to. It could be dangerous, plus you can't just keep on missing class like this. We would have to put you in a special care school, you know. And you are a great student, I know that."

It had been a big question at first, if he should start a normal school or not. It was before he had stopped taking his pills, when things was still rather okay. He was alright, while taking his medicine like he should. He didn't have friends, but he still had Feliciano.

"I'm just worried about you, this is not good for you at all. You can't keep going like this. You have to take your pills, Lovino."

He nodded, and that's when he noticed someone standing behind his teacher, someone who was standing tall there, looking back at him. His eyes had widened, and his hands were covering his mouth in true surprise, like he couldn't believe what he had just heard. Lovino took a step back. His teacher turned around, noticing Spain standing there. She noticed how shocked he was, and then she turned back to Lovino, looking at him.

He teared up, Spain of all people shouldn't know. He felt stupid, of course he would be here. He had skipped class to...take care of him after all. So of course he would be in the nearby. Why he was so scared of Spain knowing, he didn't understand. But something inside of him just screamed that the older one should not know. If he knows about Seven, he will probably stay as far away from him as possible. Isn't that what he wanted? Spain to stay as far away as possible...

"An-"

"Don't say his name!"

Lovino yelped out towards her. It would be easier to just ignore and forget about him if he didn't know his actual name. It would be easier to let go. His teacher gave him a questioning look, but then sighed quietly.

"You will have to promise to not tell anyone about this, it's a serious matter that Lovino himself should decide who to tell. Got it?"

She spoke softly, but her voice still showed that he better listen to her words, or it won't be good for him. What she can do about it, Lovino didn't know. He just watched as Spain nodded slightly, looking at Lovino with pity in his eyes. He might not exactly know what was wrong, but he still knew he had to take medicine for something.

"Good, now please return to your class again."

He quickly walked past us, not looking at me twice. Why did that hurt? God only knows on that part.. But it just felt like someone stabbed him in the chest with a sharp knife, trying to reach his heart. Lovino just watched him walk by, and into a classroom at the end of the hallway. He turned away again, ignoring the pain that seemed to fill his chest.

"I'm sorry about that, I can talk with him more if you want to? He seemed to be shocked by it, do you two know each other?"

He turned back to her, biting his lip wondering about what he should answer. He wouldn't say that they know each other, heck he doesn't even know Spain's real name. But they've talked? Did the incident that just happened have any meaning? Did he just calm him down because he pitied him? Or because he was a good person and wanted to help him, just like anyone else? Or did Spain actually- No, dangerous thoughts. Spain just probably stuck around because he felt bad for him. He just saved him from himself because that's what a good person would do, not because he wanted to specifically save him.

"Not really," he mumbled quietly, wondering how he should get the words out. "I don't really know him.."

That was...true but still not. Spain knew his name, after all. But that was just because of his little brother. His little brother, who was loved by everyone. He couldn't blame anyone, though. The smaller italian could warm anyone's heart, and his smile was always a true one. He was optimistic, and spread that happiness wherever he went. Plus he was rather cute and handsome on that matter. They looked a lot alike, but Feliciano's features seemed softer than his, which gave him another feeling.

"If you say so, now we should return to the class. If you're ready, of course. Otherwise I can take you to the nurse."

"No, I'm fine. I can go to class."

"Good."

She opened up the door and lead him inside the room. Everyone was talking to their friends, and it seemed like all hell had broken out while the teacher had left. But when they noticed the door being opened, they all quickly went back to their seats and put away their phones and turned off the weird music and sounds. She gave them a small glare, which was like watching a kitten trying to threaten, but he knew she did have some fire in her.

With his head down, he walked in silence towards his usual seat. He sat down, ignoring the weird glances that were shot towards him. He sighed and brought his hands up towards his hair, grabbing a fist full of his hair. He felt somehow guilty over the fact that Spain now knew about his little secret. Or, how much of it did he know? Judging by his expression he knew enough. Damn it.

Spain probably wouldn't even wanna be around him anymore, and it would be better that way. But still somehow, it hurt. And it hurt a lot. Maybe, Spain wasn't really out to hurt him. Maybe, he actually cared. After all, he had been there when no one else was. But why? Why had the stupid boy decided to go down on the floor and help him out of Seven's games? It would've been better if he had just decided to turn around and walk away, leaving him to figure out a way out himself.

His chest hurt, it hurt a lot. It felt like a million of stones were being thrown at him, and that something was weighing down his stomach. Why did it hurt? His breathing hitched slightly as his eyes stung. There was two options, either Spain had actually cared for him, or he just wanted to lure Lovi into another of the games that were planned out for him. Both of them scared him. No one ever cared, no one has ever cared. It was just him and his little brother, his little brother who deserved so much better than this. Or, it was just one more game.

Spain should also be real, since he was there after Seven's attack... Plus the teacher noticed he was there. But still... He didn't want to know Spain's real name.

The lesson seemed to be over quickly, so he stood up and hurried out of the classroom that were still flooding with different students that he didn't know. His steps were small and quick as he held his hands tightly pressed up against his chest.

Feliciano, he had to find his brother.

He took a deep breath and pushed himself through the mass of people, trying to make his way towards the stairs that would lead him to his little brother that was on the second floor. He wanted his brother, to hold him and make sure he was okay and safe. Feliciano was going to end in just five minutes or so, then his next class wouldn't start until ten minutes. Ten minutes, that's the amount of time he was going to be able to hug the smaller italian.

Just as he got up, he saw a white door at the end of the hall open, with students gathering outside to talk to their friends. In the middle of that, he saw his brother. He got ready to run to him, when he saw someone else laying their arm around his brother. Feliciano seemed to smile brightly...

Danger.

Someone else was touching Feliciano, someone that could hurt him in just a second. Someone that could do anything to cause his little brother some sort of pain. Other people were there, too. Talking happily to his fratello. And that woke fear inside of him.

"Feli!" Lovino screamed out in pure agony, staring at his brother trying to get to him. The curious eyes looked away and towards the end of the hall were he saw his older brother. This, was bad news for Feliciano, since it usually meant something had happened.

"Lovi!" Feliciano threw himself at Lovino, hugging him tightly and nuzzling him. Lovino shakily hugged him back, holding Feliciano close to him. It felt safe again, he felt okay. They were together again and all the fear seemed to leave Lovino for just a second.

Until he saw who Feliciano was socializing with.

\----------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N
> 
> Okay so hello I'm back on writing this again ~


	6. Run away, pretty boy

"Many people recover from schizophrenia, although they may have periods when symptoms return (relapses). Support and treatment can help reduce the impact the condition has on daily life."

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was a blonde guy in Feliciano's class. He was bigger than the rest, and also kinda quiet. But still the biggest bastard there is, according to Lovino. He hated him, since this person, this potato bastard, could steal his little baby brother away from him so easily, since they've gotten so attached. The younger italian would often come home and talk about him, tell everything about him. Lovino was not okay with this. Sure, he was glad his brother had found someone he cared about, but he didn't trust this person. His brother, Gilbert, was one of the members of BTT. BTT, stood for 'Bad Touch Trio', which was three friends who are known as the biggest troublemakers on the whole school. He knew their names, and what they do, but he has never really seen them. He doesn't know how they look like or which class they're in. All he knows about them comes from Feliciano.

And there this potato bastard was, hanging out with Feliciano and staring at him longingly after the smaller one had run away to greet his big brother. Ludwig, as his name was, stood and waited for their hug to end, so he could get back to the italian and their previous conversation. And hand holding.

Lovino wouldn't buckle his grip from his brother. Ludwig was not getting the younger one back. Feliciano was his, and he was absolutely not losing him to a damn german. Especially not one of the BTT's brother. He may not know exactly who they are, but from what Feli told him, they seemed like big trouble. His baby brother was not going to get involved with any of that bullshit they did.

"Fratello, isn't that Ludwig?" Feliciano turned around, and immediately lit up. His eyes seemed to shine, and his smile seemed more... happy. Like he was at peace. This made Lovino furrowed his brows, confused as to why he reacted that way when he looked at the potato bastard. Why would he do that? Feliciano has always been weird though...

"Yeah it is! Do you wanna meet him?" Lovino grabbed his brother's arms, and looked him in the eyes. Hadn't he picked up the fact that Lovino didn't like this Ludwig at all.

"No! I don't like him! He is just a big bastard!"

Feliciano wiggled himself out of his brother's grip around him, taking a step back and shaking his head. He was hurt, Lovino noticed. He had hurt his brother. But he just didn't want him to get involved in anything that could get him in trouble. He might not know what Ludwig and Gilbert had for brothership, but it could be something that gets to Feliciano.

"You don't even know him...He is not like that, Lovino!"

Feli turned around, and walked away from his brother who was left standing there, alone in the crowd that was getting smaller and smaller for every passing minute. He saw how he mumbled something, and grabbed Ludwig's arm and walked out of the hall.

Damn it, Lovino though. God fucking damn it. Now Feliciano was upset, and he was alone again. This had been a really bad day. The hallucinations, Feliciano, Spain.... Spain knew. Spain knew he took medication for something, maybe not exactly for what, but for something. Hopefully, he just thought it was some sort of epilepsy, and not what it actually is. If he knew about his.... problem, he might start to ask what caused it, or at least wonder. Lovino wouldn't want anyone thinking or wondering about it, he didn't want anyone to know anything. Only Feliciano and his Nonno. He wish his parents were here, that his mom and dad could help him through it. But if they were here, he wouldn't even have it in the first place.

Everything in front of him flashed dark, and a loud shot was heard.

Lovino screamed, and covered his ears as his knees buckled down underneath him. He sat on the floor, feeling how his heart picked up its pace. His breathing was harsh, as he tried to keep the memories out of his head. He was trying, but he could feel the over sized nightgown on him, he could smell his mother's old perfume she always used to wear that had later spread itself out in his parent's bedroom. He could feel it all, it was so close. He didn't want to be there, he didn't want to go back to there.

He sat there for a while, pushing it out of his head. In the end, he could finally stand up.

"What are you doing here? We are supposed to lock down the school. Get out."

Lovino turned around to see one of the teacher's staring at him. He must've been there for a while now. He didn't recognize the teacher in front him, he must be new or something. He looked scary. Tall, blonde and with glasses. He had a strange aura around him, one that just said 'stay away'. Lovino nodded to him, and walked towards the exit.

-#-#-#-

He was laying in bed, staring up towards the roof above him. It was a simple, white color with nothing else. Except that little mark in the corner where he had thrown a lamp once. It was a few years ago when he had a nightmare. He had woken up, in panic, and grabbed something. That something had been his lamp, and he had thrown it as fast and as hard as he could. Why? He thought it would keep the nightmare demons away from him. His Nonno had rushed in, thinking that the people from before might have come to get Lovino too this time, that they had to kill the child just like they had killed his parents. But luckily he had just found a scared Lovino in bed, sitting up right, shaking.

It was a memory who lived in the roof, in the mark. The mark wouldn't disappear, just like the memory of it. Always there, always a scar in the material that build this house up. It kinda reminded him of himself. How the scar of something scary, of something that had happened, lived inside of him. It would never go away. The memory of something that had happened, left him scarred. It wouldn't be visible unless you knew it, because who walks around looking for marks in the roof? Not many, and the same goes with Lovino. Not many walks around looking for his scars.

But now, someone is walking around looking for his scars.

Spain, the chocolate haired man, with green emerald eyes that seemed to shine with happiness and beauty. His skin who seemed to be as soft as honey, and smooth as milk. It had a nice color, like the sun had kissed him before going behind big mountains and trees. His voice, which was rich and soothing, and his words.... His words and his embrace who had softly brought him back into reality, and away from the demons that seemed to live inside his head. That man, that boy, now knew about that something wasn't right. He knew that Lovino took medicine, but not for what. He knew that he could get certain attacks where he screamed and trashed, but he didn't know what caused them, or what they actually where.

Lovino brought his hands towards his face, rubbing them over his eyes as a method to keep himself awake and not give in to the comfort in his bed, which could easily lead him into sleep. A sleep where he would either have nightmares, darker than the darkness itself. Or he wouldn't dream at all. At least not something he would remember or feel the touch of. He didn't really get these soft and wonderful dreams that people spoke of having. He didn't dream about the flowers growing, or watching the sun rise. He never dreamed of running through the woods, or holding someone's hand. It was tragic, honestly. But why would it matter? It's just dreams, our minds creating stories to satisfy itself. Totally useless.

"Lovino...?"

A soft voice called his name out from the other side of his door. It sounded sad, and careful. As it was careful to break something that was already broken. It had the tone of when you dropped a glass, which has shattered into two pieces, and you pick them up careful to not break them more than they already are.

"What is it?", he called back. He sat up on the bed, a small creaking sound getting heard coming from the bed. His eyes wandered to the floor, staring down on the bright wood forming itself underneath his feet.

"Nonno said he could drive us to school today, we are leaving in ten, okay?"

"Okay, Feli.."

He heard the small footsteps that told him that his little brother was walking away from his door. He should really get his back and start to get ready, but he just... Didn't want to. It felt useless getting out of his room and into a car just to go to school. School where anything could happen... He was safer here, with Nonno. And not around all those hundreds of students that run around, scream and judged. It would be better here, at home. But he didn't have a choice now, did he?

He grabbed his brown brag from the corner of his room, throwing it over his shoulder. It wasn't heavy, but still gave out a bit of weight. With a heavy sigh, he walked out of his room and closed the door behind him with a small 'thud'.

Walking down the stairs, and down to his brother and Nonno, he was wondering if Spain would try to make another entrance. He wondered if he even would dare to after what had happened, and after he got to know that Lovino is on medication for something. Or that he is supposed to take medication for something. He is not really taking it at the moment... Seven was his only friend besides from his brother, and he didn't really wanna be alone all the time.. It was nice to just have someone close by, even if that someone ended up being the demons he carried around in his own mind.

"Let's go, boys!", chirped their Nonno happily while stepping out of the house with the car-keys in his hand. He walked down the pavement and towards the silver car that was standing next to their small little house. It was cloudy, and grey clouds filled the sky, hiding the sun and the blue that Lovino knew was above. It wasn't raining right now, but it probably would later.

-#-#-#-#

The clock rang, and everyone immediately tried to get out as fast as they could of the classroom. Everyone except the red headed Italian in the back of the class. He had once again been staring out the window, small talking a little to Seven. Nothing to severe this time, luckily. Just some what he should've done this morning. Seven told him that it would've been better if he stayed home, and Lovino agreed, but there was nothing to be done about it now. He was here, where he had to be.

He grabbed the folder on his desk, and got ready to leave.

Amber eyes stared down on the floor as small and light feet made their way across the floor and towards the door. As fast as he walked out, he heard someone say his name. That's odd, Lovino though. No one really calls for him except for Feliciano, and his brother should be in class for fifteen more minutes. Lovino brushed it off as his imagination.

Unlocking his locker, and shoving the red folder, Lovino noticed a small note laying at the bottom of the space he called his own. It must have been pushed in, since no one really could just open his locker and put it in, plus it was laying close to the edge at the bottom.

He grabbed the note, and unfolded it with care. Small letters formed their way over the paper, kinda messy written, but still nicely done. The paper was in a red color, which Lovino found strange. Why couldn't he just have gotten a normal white paper? And who leaves notes in his locker?

"Sit with me at lunch? I'll be close to the windows in the left corner. See you then?"

Well, that was one strange note.

No one would ever ask him to sit next to them, unless it's Feli who is trying to convince his little brother that he should try to get out more, and talk to people. Lovino always denied him when Feliciano asked him to join the little group of people he had gathered. But Feliciano would never leave him a note in his locker, he would probably just text him instead. Not leave notes like this. Someone must just have tried to ask someone out and taken the wrong locker. Yeah, that seemed logical.

With that, Lovino closed his locker, locked it, and got up. It had been his last lesson before he could go to lunch. He wasn't feeling that hungry today, but he still had to eat something. He had promised Feliciano he would eat everyday no matter what. That promise was originally made as to keep Lovino from listening to Seven, who usually told him the food was poisoned.

He made his was towards the dining hall, and couldn't help but to look in the left corner. No one was there, it was empty. He felt bad for whoever that note was for, because getting invited just to get dumped and abandoned seemed rather sad. Lovino decided to sit there anyways, since it was close to his usual spot. Just one table away. So he got his food, and sat down.

It was rather peaceful in the corner. Not much people were there, they were gathered at the other side of the dining hall. Those people were loud, and stuck around for a long while. Lovino could relax, and just talk to Seven without anyone looking towards him or questioning why he was talking to 'himself'.

"Lovi! I'm glad you came! And a bit surprised, actually..."

What the fuck...?

In front of him, no other than the Spanish motherfucker himself, sat down. His smile, as big as ever, and those eyes seemed so overjoyed for some reason. A reason that was probably really stupid! Because this bastard is stupid.

"Wait what the actual fuck are you doing here? Glad I'm came? What do you m- Oh my god don't tell me you're the big asshole who put that stupid ass note in my locker..."

"I'm the one who wrote the note!"

Spain seemed to be really happy and proud over his doing, and Lovino just questioned why he hadn't chosen his normal place, why he had chosen to sit here, where this bastard had asked him to. Why did he listen? God fucking damn it...

"Yeah I noticed, now please would you take your pretty fucking ass away from here?" Lovino snarled towards the Spaniard, trying to keep his walls up. It wasn't actually that bad to have someone to talk to...It wasn't bad that someone was there. But, the fact that he knew about his medication, brought it all down.

"Did you just compliment my ass?"

Spain stared at Lovino with a smug face, his eyes narrowed and that side lean smile. Lovino wanted to slap him so badly... Instead his face turned red, like a tomato. He couldn't help it, he just blushed really easily. And especially when some stupid (and hot...) fucker was staring at him like that. But right now, he was mostly embarrassed.

"I did not!" Lovino shouted and slammed the table with his hand, looking at Spain who just seemed to try and hold in laughter. This pissed Lovino off even more. Like that stupid ass bastard coming here and mocking him and making him say embarrassing things and then LAUGHING at him. Very bad style, Spain.

"Oh yes you did! Admit it! You think I have a pretty ass!" Antonio clapped his hands laughing. Usually people said that whenever he tried to flirt with someone, he sometimes got the 'well you have a great ass'. But now, it was more in a funny way, not because he tried to flirt with the boy. But it would more be Lovino flirting with him. Which probably never would happen, since the hot headed Italian barely even let him come close. Unless he was having one of those..attacks.

Lovino just laid his head down on the table, and groaned loudly. He was trying to desperately hide his embarrassment from the laughing Spaniard. He had just been trying to insult him but he took it way too serious. Which was bad, stupid ass fucking Spaniard. "I hate you so so fucking much, go to hell you stupid bastard..."

Usually, Lovino did tell the truth about things. He didn't have much to lie about, since all he did was stay in his room or be by himself. But now, he kinda said a lie. He didn't hate Spain that much, just a little bit. He was annoying and stupid as hell, but...he had managed to pull Lovino out and also help him, when he had been having one of his attacks from Seven. But, the bastard knew about it, and that was dangerous.

"Don't get close."

Lovino froze. Seven's voice filled his head as he spoke the words coldly. He knew that he shouldn't, but he wasn't letting Spain in, really. Right? It was the chocolate haired one who had come to him, and not the other way around, but still he should try to put space between them. With that thought in his head, Lovino grabbed his plate and walked away, leaving a confused person behind him.

The Spaniard watched as Lovino stood up and turned away. Those eyes who had been shimmering a minute ago, now seemed completely gone. Like someone had blown the candle out. It made him think about it. What happened? Was it a part of Lovino that he didn't know about? Or, was it the thing he took medication for...? "Hey Lovi! Wait up!"

Spain quickly got up from his chair, and ran after the Italian who hadn't come that far yet. He got curious looks from people around him. But he didn't really notice that. He knew what they were thinking, 'Why would he run after someone like Feliciano's brother?'. When he thought about it, he didn't want Lovino to be 'Feli's brother', he wanted him to be seen as Lovino, and not someone's brother. "Lovi!"

He managed to grab a hold of his arm, holding him stuck in his place. His hands were soft, firm and strong. They didn't hold him tight, more like kindly. Not hard enough to hurt him, but hard enough that he couldn't just walk away however that he wanted. Lovino had stopped, he was standing still but not looking up from his shoes. He didn't dare to look him in the eyes. Because if he ever let him in, what would happen then? Would he just break him and leave him, or maybe he would get killed too.. He didn't know if he would even survive having one more person close to him dying.

"Don't go, I'm sorry."

"No you're not, now leave me alone."

"Lovino, why are you pushing me away?"

"Leave me alone!" Lovino turned around, gritting his teeth and swimming his lose arm towards Spain, slapping him in the face with a loud sound.

A pain spread through through his cheek, as Spain looked back towards Lovino who was just standing there. When Spain looked at him, he noticed how Lovino was shaking, and how afraid he looked. He didn't look angry, he looked scared, and a little bit guilty. He had no words, he never knew the smaller one would have it in him to just slap him like this. But maybe...he had been pushing too far.. Spain released his grip of Lovino's other arm, but the boy didn't run away. He just stood there, staring back at Spain.

"I-I..." Lovino started, trying to gulp down the hardness in his throat that seemed to be building up. His stomach hurt, as guilt build up inside of him. He had just, slapped Spain. What had he been thinking? He just tried to run away, he hadn't meant to.

"Lovi..."

The tears formed in his eyes as he turned away and ran. He ran like his life depended on it, he had to go away, he had to run away from Spain before he went even further to hurt him. He shouldn't have come here, he shouldn't have talked to him. If he had just stayed away like Seven wanted him to, Spain would've been okay.

\--------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N 
> 
> Well there's another chapter, it's a little longer than usual and yeah maybe a bit boring but it felt like it was needed to be said, kinda like a filling. 
> 
> It took a while to post, I know and I'm sorry for that, but it's been kinda stressful lately, and next week I won't be able to write as much because I'll be at the hospital. 
> 
> Well have a nice day~ (Or night)


	7. Fa la ninna, fa la nanna

"Schizophrenia does not mean split personality or multiple-personality. Most people with schizophrenia are not dangerous or violent. They also are not homeless nor do they live in hospitals. Most people with schizophrenia live with family, in group homes or on their own."

"Stupid, stupid, your fault, your fault..."

The voice sounded angry and irritated, hissing out the words through gritted teeth. It had a dark tone, and the voice had a lowered sound behind it. The words were like a knife that was carving inside his head, inside his brain. The doctors said that it's from his head that the voices are coming from, and not from someone next to him. It was inside his head Seven lived. Seven, his nightmare that followed him around, who told him what to do and what to say and what everyone around him was thinking. Most of the times, it wasn't pleasant at all.

When he had first been asked to describe the voices in his head, he hadn't known how to respond. The doctors asked about where the voice came from, what did they tell him, how did they sound, when did they come, how often did he hear them?

"Don't insult him like that, he is his own person, too. He has a name just like you do. Don't be rude." Lovino had answered, defending whatever it was that was happening inside his head, defending whatever it was that had decided to develop and come forward. He hadn't understand that it was just him, that it was just inside his head.

"Oh, how very impolite of me, could you tell me their name, then? Could you do that for me?" The doctor had replied. All he remember was the white coat and the soft voice. But not the doctors face. Just that they always wrote down what he said. Every word that came out of his mind got written down on the paper that was on the little desk.

"He doesn't like when I talk about him, he says he is my friend and that I'm enough for him, no one else has to know his name. You're not his friend." He had followed everything the voice told him to. The voice didn't want to be recognized, it didn't want to be known with other people.

"But I wanna be his friend, too. Please tell me, it's always more fun to play with more, isn't it?"

The doctor had tried already to find every way around to get to know more about whatever it was that was happening to the person in their care. But nothing had seemed to work yet.

"Seven." They said, just a simple word that had been hard to say.

"The number?"

"No, it's his name, not the number. Seven is not just a number to me."

It's a voice, too.

____

/

\- - /--

/

"So you slapped him?"

Feliciano eyed his brother, who was grunting into a pillow curled up on the floor. The younger brother was not very...happy with the situation that Lovino had put himself in, it was rather rude to just slap someone who hadn't meant any harm.

"I didn't mean to! It just happened..." Lovino lifted his face out from the safety of the soft pillow, looking back at his little brother that was sitting on top of his bed with his arms crossed over his chest. He didn't look pleased at all.

"You really need to learn how to control yourself, he is not a bad guy you know...Or at least not yet."

"What the fuck do you mean by that?"

"I will tell you that if this ever ends."

Lovino groaned and threw the pillow he was holding towards his little brother in annoyance. He didn't like this games that the other seemed to be playing. If it ever ends? What would end? And Spain could be a bad guy? What did that even mean? For as far as he knew, Spain was a.. good guy. He didn't like to admit it, but the stupid bastard done nothing but trying to be there for him. He started to wonder if he had spilled his secret about taking medicine. If he did that, then Spain wouldn't be as much of a good guy anymore.

Feliciano caught the pillow right before it was able to land on his face. He chuckled quietly at his brother's failed attempt to hit him. Well, he was kinda used at the flying pillows that seemed to get thrown at him wherever he went. Lovino did have a liking to throwing pillows for some reason.

"You should give him something."

Lovino looked at Feliciano, wondering if he was being serious or not, then he noticed that his little brother actually was serious about it all. Lovino burst out laughing. Like hell he would actually give the Spanish bastard something! He didn't deserve Lovino's time, he didn't even know who the bastard was. He had, after all, refused to know about his name. He had done that so he wouldn't get closer to him and then start to care or whatever. But now his brother wanted him to give him something, that would totally make Spain follow him around.

"Like hell! I'm not giving him anything." Lovino muttered after finally calming down from his laughing. Looking up towards his brother, he noticed that Feliciano didn't really like what his brother was saying.

"Why not? It's just a little something to say sorry. He has been trying to help you, and become your friend! He didn't deserve to get slapped in the face. Plus, it is just another reason for you to start taking your pills, Lovi."

Lovino didn't like the way Feliciano said pills. Like he was trying to make a point. Well, he kinda was. But Lovino was not in the mood for taking the advice. He wouldn't take them, he wouldn't be alone. But was he really that lonely anymore? After that Spain came up to him.. It has been a long time since someone came up to him on free will, because he was guessing the Spaniard hadn't gotten dared to do it. If he had, he probably wouldn't have come back over and over again.

"No, Feli. I'm not going to take them, I've told you before. But what would I even try to give him? Fucking flowers and chocolate? Hell no."

Feliciano shook his head as he giggled quietly at the other's thoughts. "No! I don't mean you should ask him out, unless you want to-"

"Feli!"

"Yeah yeah okay fine I get it. But maybe you should try to give him something he would like."

Lovino bit his lip. Something Spain would enjoy? He didn't even know the bastards name how the hell did someone expect him to know what shitty thing Spain would like? It was stupid. Everything about this was stupid. He could've just said sorry or nothing at all and be done with it, but no. Feliciano had other plans. "I don't even know what he would like, so it's stupid."

"But I know what he likes, and he is not very different from you actually. He loves tomatoes, too."

Lovino jerked his head up at that. Tomatoes? The Italian himself had a love for the red fruit, he had his own plants were he grew them. He had to admit that his tomatoes were delicious, the best tomatoes one could ask for. That's why he really cared about them and always made sure that he watered them enough. Tomatoes needs a lot of water, after all, so Lovino always made sure to keep water close so he could easily water them.

"Tomatoes? Are you kidding?"

Feliciano shook his head and smiled his little innocent smile. He was super adorable with his lighter red-brownish hair that fell over his cheeks, and that little curl that stood out from the side of his head. His brother had their mother's eyes. A light amber that seemed to be shining like a diamond reflecting light from the sun. They were filled with warmth and safety.

"No, you just have to give him one okay? And take on of your own for once, be kind."

"But I grew them myself, Feli! I poured my life into those."

"Yeah, which makes it a perfect gift for An- I mean Spain."

Lovino stopped. He had heard people saying the beginning of his name multiple times, but this time it felt different. This time it made him think about it. An? Anders? Andreas? He had no idea. But those names sounded kinda lame. If that actually was his name, he would probably chuckled. Or maybe he had a very spanish name. Lovino had been taught Spanish a couple of times, but it just sounded like random letters being placed after each other. Who knows, maybe Spain's name was Anhfhiehfi?

"Whatever..."

\-------------------------------------------------

"I grew it myself."

Lovino stood in front of the stupid Spanish bastard. He held the little tomato towards him. It was a deep, beautiful red and it shun in the light. It was soft to hold, and he was careful not to crush it. It would be sad to give someone a crushed tomato, especially since he had grown it himself.

"Are you serious Lovi?" The Spaniard looked like he was about to cry, how stupid honestly...It's just a tomato, especially for him. Just a round, red fruit that a normal person wouldn't give a damn about. But here he was, with a boy with brown chocolate curls and big green eyes that shimmered and yes, they looked...pretty. No more than that, just pretty...

"Yeah so just fucking take it!"

At that, Spain wrapped his arms around him and hugged him, embracing him. Lovino let out a shocked yelp at the sudden embrace, he was not ready for that. He growled quietly, as a warning for Spain to let go. But in reality...He didn't really want Spain to let go of him, so just this once...

"You're not gonna push me away?"

"Do you want me to push you away?"

Spain nuzzled Lovino's hair, burying his face into the softness. It smelled pretty nice, not that he wasn't trying to smell Lovino's hair. It smelled some sort of flower, very soft. Or maybe it was some sort of spice? He didn't know, but he liked it. It felt comfortable. Lovino might not be hugging him back, but for some reason...it felt like he had accomplished something. Spain didn't understand why it felt so nice to be close to the smaller boy. He barely knew him, and most things that had happened were small words and the strange attacks Lovino seemed to get.

"What the hell do you think you're doing? You're taking it too far, don't test your luck. Back off."

Spain's grip around him loosened up, and Lovino quickly stepped back. He didn't dare to look the overjoyed Spaniard in the face. He had let his guard down there.. What if Spain actually had thought about stabbing him in the back? Or pull him down to the floor. Feliciano had said something strange about Spain after all. That had been a really dangerous move, why had he done that? Why had he let Spain hug him? Was he completely stupid?

Oh yeah you are.

So stupid.

So, so very stupid...Are you trying to get yourself killed?

Because you should.

Lovino felt everything around him slowly disappearing. He felt like he had been frozen stuck where he was standing. The only sound he could hear, was Seven talking to him. Seven's cold words that spread through his head like a knife. Also through his heart. Every word hurt, every word disturbed him. He had refused to take his pills this morning after all, so what did he expect? Spain was right in front of him, rambling about something Lovino couldn't seem to hear. He just saw his mouth move, and his eyes sparkling.

"Spain..." Lovino shuttered out, holding his hands over his chest as his world seemed to go dark around him. Small spots that formed around him. He didn't like this. Everywhere the black spots seemed to grow, blocking out the light that had been filling the halls just before. Spain's form was becoming blurry.

"So stupid you are..die, die, die..."

"Spain!"

That's when he noticed something was wrong with Lovino. How the boy's eyes suddenly started to dart around the room, like he was looking for something that wasn't there. His breathing got heavy, like he had just been running a marathon. Spain didn't like that, he didn't like that at all. And then he shouted, then he shouted out the little nickname Lovino had given him.

Lovino fell down to the floor, covering his ears trying to block out Seven's voice that had started to play inside of his mind. Why? Why couldn't he have anything nice if so for just a second? Why did Seven have to start playing with him now?

"Die you stupid, he doesn't like you, he wants to kill you. He is gonna shoot you one day..."

The Italian boy screamed out in agony. Shoot him? Spain would shoot him? That's what had happened to his parents that day. And now it would happen to him by the man that had been standing in front of him mere seconds ago. Lovino didn't know if Spain was even there anymore. He only knew that Seven was there, rasping at his skins. He could never really see Seven. He was just a darkness who liked to make up illusions in his head.

Now the illusions were holding him, keeping him in place by wrapping its long fingers around him. Everything was black, he couldn't see anything. He could only feel the tightness around his chest, arms and legs. He couldn't breathe, the air was slowly fading away from him. It smelled like something was burning. Was something burning? He didn't know.

"Die, you ungrateful, stupid, dumb unwanted..."

Lovino was starting to shake really badly, trying to shake of the feeling of Seven. His head was filled with voices in different tones, like there were lots of different people. But it was actually just Seven who was playing a game while playing with him. They always told him the same thing, but it didn't make it all better. He knew he was useless, he knew he was nothing more than trouble.

"Fa la ninna, fa la nanna..."

Lovino tried to open his eyes. He knew that melody... He could barely hear it, but it was there somewhere. He didn't understand what was happening. Why was Seven singing to him? He never did that before.

"Nella braccia della mamma..."

Lovino's eyes were filled with tears that were slowly starting to stream down his cheeks. He was sobbing, trying to focus on the melody that was playing, and the words. The song was an italian lullaby. He recognized it from when he was a younger child. He couldn't remember from where he had heard it, or who used to sing it. He just knew it in the back of his mind.

"Fa la ninna bel bambin,"

Slowly, the darkness around him started to let go of him, suddenly it was fading. The light started to stream in again, breaking the darkness around him. He felt someone holding him, and someone petting him. He was at least not standing up, he could tell. His body felt tense against softness underneath him. It wasn't the floor, it couldn't be. But then what?

"Stupid fucker you're so stupid don't listen!" Seven continued to scream inside his head.

"Fa la nanna bambin bel,"

Slowly, Seven started to get more and more distanced inside his head. He started to feel more and more safe. He was giving into the words and the melody of his homeland, from where he belonged. He missed Italy, but right now he felt like he was in Italy.

He let himself open his eyes and look up. He could see Spain, his eyes filled with worry as his soft hands moved themselves over his head, petting him slowly. They were on the floor, Lovino lying in Spain's lap. That explained why it wasn't cold and hard around him. He couldn't find the strength in him to stand up, or even open his mouth to say something. He could just lay there, weak.

"Fa la ninna fa la nanna,"

Spain's voice sounded rich as he sang it quietly to Lovino, saying the words with care. Lovino wondered from where he had learned the Italian lullaby, why would a Spaniard know Italian like that? It was understandable if he understood words since Spanish and Italian could be similar, but a whole lullaby?

"Nella braccia della mamma..."

Spain had finished the song by the time Lovino had calmed down. They were both on the floor, with not anyone else nearby since the smaller boy had insisted on giving the gift without anyone curious walking by and wondering what was going on. Spain got quiet after that, and for a few minutes they were just sitting there on the floor.

Seven's terror still flew around inside of Lovino's brain, like a teasing that wouldn't stop. But Spain had been there apparently...Spain had been helping him getting out of his illusions? How did he even know the lullaby?

"Spain..." Lovino hushed out, looking up at the boy who was holding him.

"Are you okay?"

Spain sounded concerned, and slightly scared. But he was trying to hide it. Lovino nodded slightly, raising his hand towards Spain's arm. He grabbed it, and held it. The act made Spain confused. But the Lovino brought it closer to him, and slowly placed it around him.

"Please just...don't go.."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N
> 
> Well hello again yes here we have a new chapter of Seven is not just a number. To just makes things a big more clear, the first part in the beginning is one of Lovino's memories. And if some things seems kinda weird or not logical, there will be more explanations the more the story goes on. The lullaby is as mentioned before is an Italian lullaby. 
> 
> Well that's all for now, I guess. So have a good day/night~!


	8. Drowning

The signs of schizophrenia are different for everyone. Symptoms may develop slowly over months or years, or may appear very abruptly. The disease may come and go in cycles of relapse and remission.

\-----------------------------

Lovino was staring at the plate in front of him. There wasn’t much on it, because he hadn’t feel that hungry before. He still was, but he couldn’t eat it. No matter how much he wanted to, or tried. He just couldn’t fight it so much. Seven was the one in control of his mind. Seven was the one who told him what to do and what to think. So if Seven screamed inside his head, over and over again that his food was poisoned...He wouldn’t eat it.   
So now he was sitting leaned back in his chair, staring at the plate that was neatly placed in front of him

“Lovino, I hope you do know that staring at your food won’t make it disappear.”

Lovino looked up from his intense looking, only to find the Spanish bastard in front of him. His face turned into a deep frown. He was still a little...shaken after what had happened last week. Last week when he had one of his hallucinations, illusions. It had been pretty hectic and it had scared him to the point where he was in Spain’s arms like a little baby, begging him not to leave him. He had actually stayed after that.

“You gotta eat, otherwise you won’t have enough energy for later!”

Yeah, right. They’re going swimming today.

The whole school had arranged a day at the towns swimhall, they had said they wanted all the students to get half a day where they can just have fun and relax and do something together, not just class and class, since people have friends in other classes too. Lovino didn’t think much of it, it was just going swimming, plus he could just sit and watch if he didn’t want to.

“I can’t eat it, it’s poisoned…” Lovino mumbled quietly as he looked back at the plate. He didn’t even dare to touch it, what if someone was out to kill him? What if someone had put something in his food to kill him? Or kidnap him? It scared Lovino.

“No, no...It’s fine, Lovi! It is not poisoned and it’s completely edible.”  
As to prove his point, the spanish bastard reached with his fork to grab a piece of Lovino’s food. Lovino screeched in panic as Spain brought it back to him and ate it. 

“Are you completely out of your mind?! What if it was poisoned? You might die, you big ass fucking, stupid, crazy, stupid, Spaniard!”

He just laughed quietly, a laugh that was rich and true. It made Lovino’s heart skip a beat. Or maybe it gave one extra? He had not idea. But just hearing the stupid one laugh, it made him feel weird. He didn’t understand what was happening. It was probably Seven who had decided that it was something weird that was going on right now. Seven always had to ruin everything, why would this time be any different?

“Depends, really. Sometimes I can be completely crazy, other times I think I’m pretty sane. That was a pretty normal move, though. I just ate some of your food, who for the record, is not dangerous at all. Why would you even think it is?”  
Naive, ass, bastard. Lovino sat there, frozen stuck in his chair, looking at the Spaniard with his amber eyes that were scanning for anything that might tell him that the food was poisoned. But Spain gave no reaction what it, he also said it didn’t taste weird. But Lovino still didn’t dare to eat it, so it just ended up with him drinking a little bit of water. 

“Sorry, Lovi. I have to go, my friends are waiting for me outside. But Feliciano should be here soon, too.”

Spain stood up, ready to leave. It hurt Lovino a little bit that he was going to be left alone, he didn’t want the bastard to leave, really. Okay nevermind Lovino REALLY wanted him to leave right there and right now. Spain was stupid, a stupid bastard who was just teasing him and playing with him. Besides, he doesn’t wanna witness Spain puking because that he hate Lovino’s probably poisoned food. Or, at least according to Seven.

“Whatever…” Lovino mumbled quietly as he played with the glass in his hand, twirling it around on the table. He didn’t even look up to watch Spain take his leave. He didn’t care, he told himself. It didn’t matter at fucking all.

He didn’t feel like sitting inside the dining hall anymore. He was completely open for anyone who would have the intentions to ending his life, or watch him. He shivered. Maybe the person who had tried to probably poison him was staring at him from outside the window, or from another table somewhere. So he quickly stood up, and half-ran out from the room and into the halls.

“Lovi!”

He stopped in his tracks, recognizing the happy voice immediately. He smiled to himself as he turned around. Feliciano stood there, smiling towards him and waving his hand, signalizing him to come to him. Lovino tried to walk slowly, but his legs didn’t wanna cooperate at all. He quickly jumped onto his younger brother, hugging him tightly.

“Did that something happen? You seem to be on your toes, today.” Feliciano stated as he hugged his brother back, patting his slowly over his back and burrowing his face into his neck. 

“No just...It’s nothing.”

“It’s Seven, isn’t it?” Lovino cursed himself. He didn’t like sometimes that Feliciano could read him like an open book. His brother had always been like that. Maybe because he always had to ever since Lovino got diagnosed, since he grew up with a brother who could sometimes space out or sometimes scream. 

In the beginning, it wasn’t Seven. It was just loud noises. Lovino had always screamed and hid whenever he heard a loud noise. He couldn’t watch many movies, since they always made him remember his parents. His parents who are now lying side by side underneath earth. It was just PTSD in the beginning. It was his first diagnos. But when he got older, he started to talk to himself. He started to act weirdly. Whenever they walked outside, Lovino would sometimes cowering away in fear because someone looked at him. It hurt Feliciano to see Lovino like that, always on the edge. But he thought it was just a part of the PTSD, that maybe those people reminded him of that night. Or that talking to himself calmed him down. 

But when he got older, it got worse and worse. And then, it got said. Lovino was a rare case. He was a younger boy with Schizophrenia. It wasn’t that usual that kids got diagnosed with it, it often happened when they’re around twenty to thirty. Being diagnosed with Schizophrenia and PTSD wasn’t unusual, though. Almost half of the people diagnosed with Schizophrenia also had PTSD. 

Feliciano then started trying to take extra care of his big brother. Even though he would often try to hide away in his room, and that he sometimes started screaming and crying. He always stayed around trying to help his brother to feel safe, at least for a second. The doctors said that Feliciano was strong that he actually stayed so close to his brother, even though he was battling something so bizzare. 

Lovino and their grandpa didn’t wanna talk about that night, the night it happened. Everything Feliciano knew was that his parents had gotten shot in the middle of the night, and Lovino too. But Lovino had managed to survive. That’s all he knew, he knew nothing more and nothing less. Feliciano had managed to catch a glimpse of the wound left on Lovino. It was a small scar, barely visible. But it had been there. He didn’t know if he still had it though, his brother never showed himself at all. The scar reminded him.

Feliciano had been wondering how it would go today, they were gonna go swimming after all. The scar would be visible to everyone around him. And he knew how much that terrified his older brother. The fact that Seven also was acting out a lot today was bad. Feliciano feared that it might get too much for his brother to handle.

“He doesn’t wanna go away, Feli.”

Lovino’s words where quiet as he said them to his little brother, almost whispering them. He didn’t want anyone else to hear them, even though they probably wouldn’t understand what they meant. Seven? Why would the Vargas brothers be talking about seven? Maybe it was math, or maybe time? No one would guess that it was Lovino’s friend, his voices.

“Did you take them this morning?”

Lovino shook his head.

“You have to take them! It’s important you know… Especially later.”

Lovino sighed quietly as he let go of his brother, and took a step back. He looked into those eyes that looked a lot like his own, just that those eyes were slightly more filled with light. They shun brightly, and innocent to a naive eye. But those eyes had witnessed things that not many have. Those eyes had seen their brother scream and cry. Those small eyes had seen stuff that Lovino wished never had happened. And it all felt like it was his fault.   
What if he had just been a normal person? What if he could just have been a normal person without all of this happening inside his brain. What if he could just have been taking care of his little brother instead of having to be taken care for. Would Feliciano be more innocent? Would he be more happy? No one was as happy and cheerful as the younger italian brother. But still..

“I don’t care! Let me be! They won’t help, they will just kill me, they will kill me.”

Lovino cried out as he slowly started to raise his shoulders higher up towards his head, as he if he was trying to protect himself. He grabbed his left arm, tugging at his shirt as to be able to not lose it in front of all the people that was flooding through the hallway.

Feliciano didn’t hesitate but to grab his older brother, and walk away.

_-_-_-_

Lovino and Feliciano walked hand in hand towards the swimming hall. Having Feliciano close to him, and being able to hear his little brother talk helped him stay calm and on the ground. It blocked out Sevens words, and they managed to block out the thought that his little brother might be hurt. He knew Feliciano was safe.

“Ah, Lovi!”

Spain sat on a bench outside with a few other people. Lovino recognized a few of them, they were Feliciano’s friends. Or at least most of them. He didn’t know everyone that his little brother talked to, since there were a lot of people Feliciano seemed to know. And one of them happened to be the stupid bastard Spain. 

“Hello, bastard.” Lovino grunted quietly, letting go of Feliciano who immediately ran into the arms of the potato bastard. His little brother seemed to be so stuck up on the German. 

“Aw, I thought I was ‘Spain’ to you?”

“You are Spain, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be a bastard, too.” 

Spain jumped up from the bench and walked towards Lovino with a smile on his face. Lovino followed him with his eyes, watching Spain come closer and closer with every step. A warning bell rang inside his head, as Seven started to speak.

“He is dangerous.”

“Back away.”

“Scream for help.”

“This is stupid, you’re so stupid!”  
Lovino looked away, trying to drown out the voices inside of his head that started to scream and fill the void with their endless words. He tried to focus on anything else, he tried to focus on the people in front of him and what they were doing. He watched the loud and obnoxious boy do fingerguns, aiming towards the others as he played. Lovino found him rather stupid. 

“Let’s go in, I’m actually excited.” Spain said as he turned around and walked towards the door in. The doors were large with glass panels, in a boring grey color with a small wave on them. Inside, it was warm. It was dark, but still light. The blue colors filled the walls which made it all look a bit childish, but still calm and kinda nice. It smelled just like pools that were probably on the other side of the wall.

They got their cards that the teacher had given them earlier that morning, handing them over towards the people behind the desk. It was their card to get in, so they wouldn’t have to tell them about who everyone was. 

Lovino walked inside the changing room, choosing a locker for himself. He opened it and shoved his jacket inside, and took his shoes off. He placed everything neatly inside the small space. Then he heard a loud ‘thud’ besides him, and he looked only to find someone standing there with their bag inside the locker. 

“I hope you don’t mind me being here, I just thought since our lockers aren’t next to each other in school, we could have them here!”

Lovino grunted as he went back to his own locker, unzipping his back and getting his swimming trunks and a towel out. He placed them next to me, as a quick movement caught his eyes. 

Next to him stood Spain, without a shirt. 

Lovino caught his breath as he secretly looked towards the Spaniard next to him. His skin looked really soft, and it was tanned after all the time he had spent in the sun. He looked strong, really strong. Lovino never really looked at other people, and he and his brother didn’t work out that much. But his grandpa used to tell them sometimes about how much abs he had in his younger days, and how all the girls used to fawn over him. 

“Lovino do you need anything?”

Lovino looked back up towards those green eyes. No, green would be an insult to those eyes. They shun so brightly, and glittered. They reminded him much of emeralds. Those eyes looked concerned on him, like he feared that was something was wrong. But who wouldn’t be worried when he had gotten sudden attacks, and worrying over things no one else did?

“No.” Lovino stuttered, trying to hide his embarrassment. 

“Oh, okay but tell me if you do.”

Lovino realized that after everything, Spain was really careful around him sometimes. But he didn’t know about Seven after all. Spain knew he took medications for something, and he knew he could get sudden attacks. But he didn’t know what he was diagnosed with. 

The Italian turned back to himself, taking of his sweater and folded it neatly and placed it inside his bag. He held his breath as his fingers stroke themselves over the small scar that was placed on his side. The skin was just slightly narrowed, and had a different shade of color. But it was still there.

Lovino quickly removed his hand and turned back to look at Spain, as to see if he had noticed something. If he had seen how Lovino had been touching his side, he bet the bastard would bother him with it non stop. But when he turned around, he caught himself a little surprise.

Lovino quickly covered his mouth as his eyes flew up and his face went beet red. He had forgotten that Spain was changing too, and he had accidentally catched a glimpse of him. 

Without pants.

Or underwear.

And not with his swimming trunks on.

Oh god.

Lovino closed his eyes as the image burned inside his mind. Sure, Spain was a guy too but that didn’t mean he couldn’t get flustered by it. He hadn’t meant to see that, he didn’t want to either. It had just happened. Lovino had to admit, he was a bit impressed by the Spaniard, not that he would ever admit that and absolutely not say it out loud.

Lovino quickly changed into his swimming trunks himself, (making extra sure Spain wouldn’t be able to see him, even if he tried). Then he grabbed his towel and walked towards the showers. He didn’t even think about that Spain was walking behind him. Inside the showers, he met his little brother who was standing there talking to the potato bastard. 

“Oh, hi Lovi!” Feliciano chirped as he noticed his brother standing at the other side of the showers. 

“Where did you go? I ended up with the spanish bastard.” Lovino muttered quietly as he left his towel on a bench outside, and went into the showers next to his brother.

The water felt nice as it rained down and hit his body. It wasn’t that warm, but still not cold. It ran down him and Lovino for once tried to relax. His eyes were closed as he stood still in the water. Not much were on his mind, and Seven was luckily quiet for the moment. 

He stepped out of the showers, without another word. He walked and grabbed the towel, walking careful as to not accidentally slip and land on his ass. Or his head.  
“Wait up Lovi!”

Feliciano quickly jumped up and grabbed his brother by the arm, pressing it towards him which made Lovino give out a quiet chuckle. Feliciano could be a bit clingy sometimes, which made him look like a little child. Well, the younger italian brother had always been like that, acting a little childish. But no one should underestimate an Italian, because Lovino knew his brother wasn’t as childish and naive as he gave out. Their grandpa had taught them one or two things.

“You’re such a child, Feliciano…” Feliciano just gave out a small giggle as they walked together into the pool. 

The pool was really, really big. The water was as clear as day, and a few people were already in the water. They were playing around and swimming. Well, that was mostly children and their parents. The few people from the school that had already arrived, was sitting at the age on their towels trying to act as pretty as they could. Lovino’s face turned into a disgusted frown. 

Before Lovino had a chance to understand what was happening, Feliciano had started to run towards the water, his brother still in a tight grip. 

Lovino gave out a small cry as he suddenly got dragged into the water, not ready for it at all. It surprised him. But who wouldn’t get a bit surprised by suddenly getting pulled into the clear water of a pool? The water was nice, warm. Not so warm that you could feel it but warm enough to at least not be cold. It felt nice against his skin. 

“Veneziano are you completely crazy!?” 

“Maybe.”

Lovino pouted and Feliciano just smiled his cheerful smile as he swam out further into the pool. His little brother was really good at swimming, and he quickly reached the other end of the large pool. His friends had been waiting for him there. 

“Are you afraid of water?"

Lovino sighed as he heard the words. The words spoken by an annoying Spaniard who was probably following him anyways. Not that it felt completely stupid...It actually felt kinda nice that he wasn’t completely alone there, at least someone was there. Yes, he maybe had his brother, but his brother had his own friends. And Lovino wasn’t a fan of them, really. 

“No.” He deadpanned. He didn’t even turn to look at Spain, just staring out towards where his brother was, like he had to make sure that Feliciano was safe and didn’t drown. Or that someone else decided to try and push his little brother underneath the water and hold him there until he ran out of air. That thought made Lovino feel cold, like all the warmth suddenly disappeared.  
“Then why are you just standing here?”

Lovino finally decided to turn around and look at Spain. It would’ve been a lie if he said that the Spaniard wasn’t attractive. Because god damn he was. And Lovino didn’t like it at all. Or, well he did kinda like it but he hated that he did. 

He couldn’t fawn over anyone, that would be stupid. And he may be a Vargas, but that doesn’t mean he can actually be together with someone, or flirt his way into bed. He has Seven, he has a mental illness that only a few people know about. He had given up his chances. He was the weird and strange kid, Feliciano’s brother. 

“I don’t know, why are you asking?” He tilted his head to the side as he looked at Spain. Spain was looking back at him with those beautiful eyes. 

Wait no.

“Just curious…”

Lovino grunted quietly, feeling a hand wrap around his arm. The hand was firm and strong, soft and warm. He knew the touch way too well by this point. But he didn’t understand why Spain would suddenly decide to grab a hold of him.

‘He is gonna drown you..’

Oh no..

‘He is gonna kill you! Run.’


	9. The first flower sign

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there! I'm sorry it took a while to before I updated, but things happened. My own mental state kinda went downwards and it was hell honestly so all my strength just got drained and I couldn't write anything... But now it finally got a little bit better so I was able to put together this chapter! I don't think I have any plans on giving up on this fanfic, so if it takes a while to update, it's probably just me having one of my downsides again.
> 
> Okay I'm sorry for ranting ha- Please enjoy this chapter~!
> 
> (Also, I just wanna add a warning to this chapter because it has very heavy themes in it and could possibly trigger someone. So if you are sensitive or find these themes uncomfortable, I would advise to be careful. Just looking out for you all...)

“Lovi, you look a little pale..”

When had he let Spain call him that? He had clearly said that the bastard was only allowed to call him Romano. But obviously, he didn’t. It was just during that time. When had he let him in? It had been a mistake to let Spain come closer to him, to let him near or even talk to him. Because of course, Seven would ruin it. Seven was going to try and put space in between them.

“Get away!”, Lovino screamed before he could even think about what he was doing. Everything inside him seemed to scream to get away from the one that had just grabbed a hold of his arm. The Italian boy was terrified, Seven screaming inside his head to get away, to run.

Spain quickly let go of Lovino, taking a step back as his eyes scanned the other one, trying to tell what had happened. It was then he started to understand that his friend, (they were friends, right?) had gotten another one of his sudden attacks that seemed to come. He knew Lovino got them and such, but he never really understood what happened or what the cause behind them were, or what triggered them in the first place.

Lovino’s eyes were completely wet, filled with salty tears that had started to fill his eyes as the panic was beating him. The boy was curling himself up, like he was trying to protect himself from something dangerous that could jump out any moment. His heart, was beating hard and fast inside his chest, and his lungs were desperately trying to fill themselves over and over, like all the air had suddenly disappeared.

“Fratello!” Came a shout from across the room. Lovino knew that voice to well by now, and hearing his little brother calling him out in their mother language made him immediately look up from the floor.

Feliciano had noticed his brothers behavior, that way that Lovino curled up, stared into oblivion and seemed like he had completely lost his own mind. He knew exactly what was going on, he would be able to tell even in his sleep. It was Seven again, the monster that seemed to live inside of Lovino and lured around. Plus Spain, (as Lovino called him) was standing there with him, which was usually not a good thing since his older brother hating it when other people were around him, especially when he was having one of his attacks.

Lovino looked towards where Feliciano was, trying to hurry to get to his brother. For some reason, it frightened Lovino even more. He didn’t know what to do anymore. Inside his mind, the voices were screaming, telling him to do a hundred kind of things at once. Jump into the water, run away, drown yourself, hit him, hide, scream, are you dumb? Run!

So Lovino did what he thought he had to, and ran away. Everyone around him was looking at him with their weird, dark eyes. They were laughing, and pointing at him. Screaming insults as he ran past them. The whole room felt so cold, so very very cold. He was shivering, and trying to cover his ears as to block out all the words that the people screamed at him. It didn’t help at all, he could still hear everything as clear as day.

He didn’t know when he had fallen, but suddenly he had found himself on the cold tiled floor. He was curled up, still holding for his ears trying to block out all the screams and words. He was freezing, badly. Why had things suddenly turned so cold? Why had it suddenly gone from sand to snow?

“Lovino, calm down it’s just Seven.” There was a soft calling out to him, trying to grab a hold of the mind of someone who was shaking on the ground in great fear. It was a voice he had known for such a long time, so many years. It was familiar in every way possible. Seven? It was him, it was he who did this to him, it was a voice inside his head that did this.

Someone was touching him, and Lovino had no idea if it was real, or if it was just another one of his dark and horrible illusions who might try to get him in another way. It could be the soft voice, or it could be one of the other hundreds of voices that was screaming inside his head for the moment, and for many more to come.

“Veneziano,” he cried out. He was desperately trying to find his brother in the dark, searching with the help of his hands to find him. It was like searching for something while being blind and glued to the ground while a room full of people were screaming at you. In the end, he felt warm and soft fingers wrap themselves around his own hand.

It was a soothing feeling, warmth that spread through him. It was not one of Sevens grips, since they were as cold as stone and hard as diamonds, though definitely not as beautiful as one since they were a dark and kinda twisted in their form. This grip, was not like Sevens and that made him feel a bit more safe and less alone. It was comforting and he felt a little better.

It still took a good while before Lovino was able to be brought back to normal.

Feliciano had been sitting on the floor with Lovino for almost half an hour now, and it was now that Lovinos eyes really started to open themselves again and take in the true reality. Everytime he lost it to Seven, he also lost it to his own reality which made him space out and completely leave earth in a mental way. He couldn’t get grip of his surroundings, and everything around him would get turned in a way that was actually not true. Everything would twist itself as to create an image that would be able to scare anyone, no matter how strong they appeared to be. Everything and anything would twist itself to make a threat towards the older Italian brother.

Lovinos eyes made their way to glance up towards the roof above him. He looked at it while trying to understand what had just happened. Lots of thoughts seemed to fill his mind as he went over again and again that it was his little...number problem that had decided to kick in and terrorize him for a while.

“Lovino, how are you?”

Feliciano was brushing through Lovinos hair using his fingers, playing with the red-brown strands that seemed to reflect the light from the many lamps on the walls, and roof. The younger brother had always liked the color of it, and the softness with it. It was comforting for him, why? He didn’t know.

“I’m good.” Lovino lied, trying desperately to hold back his tears that suddenly threatened to well up any moment. His voice, was tricky to hold steady for the moment as one single thought seemed to raze inside him much more than anyone else.

It will never end.

It will go on forever until the day you die, you know?

It was so very, very painful. To have to live through this every single day and several times. It was there all the time, and it was ruining his life. He didn’t really have any friends, not many liked to even look at him and barely anyone dared to talk to him, less cared about him. He didn’t matter to anyone, he was just holding them back and that was the truth even though some might not want to admit it. He was just a burden, to everyone around and to himself. It was torture to go through that, to see the whole world turn against you, to be completely sucked into a darkness that didn’t seem to ever let go. Hearing all those words, those painful words that gnawed at him with such force… To be alone, to forever be alone except a voice that was actually just created by your brain, and the only thing that voice wanted to, was to push you until you could no longer stand.

It was hell to feel the air go completely cold, like the sun had been covered up by something and only left the cold behind. It hurt so very much when all you could ever accomplish was to fail or scare others. Normal people would call him insane, and Lovino couldn’t blame them. He was a maniac, letting himself be control by a wicked part of his brain that shouldn’t even be there from the very beginning. He would scream in agony of something that he had just made up, without even wanting to. He saw things no one else ever would. He saw monsters crawling towards him and holding him down and not letting him breath. He heard them while awake, and while asleep. He felt their fingers wrap themselves around his throat while watching TV, or sitting in class.

His vision were filled with hurtful things. He saw his own teachers twist into something unimaginable as they suddenly pointed to him and opened their mouths to give out painful screeches and words that he knew they would never actually say. He knew it wasn’t actually real, but it felt so very real. He saw it, he heard it.. So why couldn’t it be real? Why wouldn’t his teachers be able to scream insults towards him? Because they are ‘too kind’? No one in this world was actually kind. It was all just a made up thing to lure him in, to get inside of him so the process of breaking him would be much more faster than it already was.

He didn’t want to live this life. This life was not meant for him, since it was giving away very clearly that it didn’t want him here. It just tortured him, over and over again until the only thing that was left was the pieces of his broken heart. This world didn’t want him, it was so desperately trying to push him out of it, to drive him away. And maybe he had been to naive to notice it. He didn’t belong here, and he never had. Everything had a purpose here, and what was the purpose of Seven? Lovino could only come up with one single answer, an answer that scared him and hurt him so much.

To kill him.

And why not just end it here and now? It wasn’t a good life, it was a nightmare that never ended. A nightmare that would go and on until he decided to end it in one way possible. He wasn’t doing anything good, it was quite the opposite. He never made anyone proud, even while he tried to. When he had finally managed to do something, everyone else had already managed to long before him.

All he ever accomplished, was to scare people around him, give them more and more work for every day that he walked on this earth. All he ever did was disappoint them and make them more and more tired.

His poor brother, who had most of his life grown up to a sick sibling, must be the most tired of them all. Feliciano who always had an extra bottle of medication close to him, who always slept on alert in case an attack would happen and Lovino would try to do something very stupid. The young Italian, who couldn’t have a normal life because he had to take care of his brother so much…

Lovino sat up, pushing his little brother away from himself, barely even casting an eye on him. His heart felt like it had stopped inside his chest, and he couldn’t hear his own breathing. He just took in the tiles of the floor, the sun that shone through the glass that was lined up across the walls. He took it all in, trying to understand that he very much was alive and on the earth. He was a human, he was alive.

He still didn’t feel alive.

Lovino let his fingers run down his softly brown arm. He could feel the way his fingers seemed to tickle his skin, leaving a warm clue after themselves. He felt it. The surface of his skin and the trace of his fingers. He could feel it, he could feel that he existed and was real. But it wasn’t helping him.

“I have to go…” Lovino mumbled as he quickly stood up, hearing a distressed Feliciano begging him to stay and not go just yet. But Lovino just shook his head as he took one step away from his brother. And another one, and another one…

In the end, he found himself in the changing rooms where the air seemed to be colder than at the pools. It was a bit easier to breath in here, and a lot less people too. But the walls and the floor still had the same white tiles placed all over, just like at the pools. Lovino didn’t like them, they were so plain and ugly, according to him. So very basic and never changed if so just once. Just white, cold, small, tiles.

He went to the little locker he had taken earlier, and with the small key that had been attached to him with help by a dirty blue colored rubber band, he unlocked the small door and swung it open to reveal his belongings that had been placed in the little space, that he for now called his own.

He grabbed a hold of his jacket, that was a light brown color with lots of black details around the edges. When Lovino first had seen the jacket, he found it really pretty and cool with the small twirls around the sleeves and neck. His brother had also said that he suit in that kind of color, and with that he chose the jacket. But there was one thing that came as a bonus, and that was the hidden pockets that it had. Inside the sleeve, close to the neck and inside of the jackets middle. It was very easy to hide stuff in it, which was very lucky for Lovino. If you saw it from his perspective, of course.

So he turned around on the sleeve to reveal the little hidden pocket, and with care opened it. Inside, was a small razor blade. It was tiny, and fitted well inside his palm. It was in steel, so a typical silver/gray color. The edges of it was sharp, and it was in the form of a rectangle. It was the average razor blade, originally designed for men who needed to shave themselves, but it was so very perfect to use for other things too.

So Lovino wrapped his fingers around it, clenching it tight and feeling the edges dig into his palms as he once again made sure to lock the locker and wrap the key around his ankle once again.

He walked towards the toilets, where he knew no one would be able to disturb him or accidentally walk in on him. No one would ever need to know about what he had been planning for several weeks now, not Feliciano, not their grandpa and especially not the Spanish bastard.

He laid his hand on the cold door handle, and pushed it down. The toilet was small, cramped. There was barely any space to walk in there, but it would have to do for now. The little lamp placed above the sink barely gave out any light, so the small space was pretty dark, but it gave him enough light to see where everything was and himself. So he turned around to lock the door and sit down on the little toilet with the razor tucked in his hand.

he placed it neatly inside his hand, and bringing out his already exposed wrist. He took a moment to just stare at it for a while. It was clean, with no cuts on it yet, it wasn’t pale, but not so dark either. His veins were visible, those veins that made way for his blood to pump out. He placed the edge of the razor blade down to his arm, just a few centimeters above the exposed wrist where hand met arm. He closed his eyes tightly and embraced for the pain he knew he would come.

With one straight movement, the first cut was done.

It hurt, like a fire that had seemed to let loose in that one straight line he had created on his arm. It seemed to scream in a high pitch as he had done it, but as fast as he removed it, it was gone. It didn’t hurt as much anymore, just a little bit. But that line slowly became more and more visible, as the blood had started to fill up the cut. It was a clear red, a beautiful kind of red. Almost as red as the tomatoes in his window that he loved so dearly. There wasn’t so much blood, but the cut hadn’t been that deep since he at first just wanted to try and explore before going in deep. It felt like such a relief to cut. Like a small weight had momentarily been taking off. It felt so very good for some reason, just to slit his arm and watch the blood come up to the surface as to try and start a healing process.

He liked it, but it wasn’t enough. It didn’t feel like that one small cut would be enough for him, no… He needed more than that.

And so he once again placed the razor blade to his arm, and slit. But this time he added a bit more strength into it. It hurt a bit more this time, but that was to be expected. Even though it hurt more, the feeling of relief got increased. He felt more satisfied this time, as the blood faster filled up the cut and formed small drops of blood on top of it. As to not smudge it all out, Lovino grabbed some paper to get it off from him.

He smiled to himself as the thoughts inside of his head seemed to get a bit pleased. He had finally given into them, and he was toying with himself. If he slit close enough, with enough force, he would be able to bleed out inside of this little bathroom and be dead. He would be dead, and the whole nightmare would finally come to an end. He would find peace, and so would probably everyone around him do, too. It would be such an amazing thing to just be able to end it. But this wasn’t a good place. Someone would eventually break the door open and find a corps inside, probably being scarred for life of that. Then they would have to clean everything up, take him away and then later go through all the trouble by fixing his corps and identifying him. Plus maybe even try and bury him. No, if he wanted to die he would probably do it in the woods where no one would be disturbed or be able to find him.

Lovino kept going for a while, adding cuts to his arm one by one quickly. It pleased him so much, and he couldn’t seem to stop. Just being able to punish himself for being such a burden, for being such a problem and so bad… it felt better than anything before. He couldn’t understand why he had been such a coward and not done this before, he couldn’t understand why he hadn’t picked up the blade earlier. He had a lot to catch up with, but he had time.

But exactly how much time did he have?

Lovino stopped his cutting as he thought about that. How much time did he want? He didn’t want to stay here anymore, he didn’t want to stay on earth anymore. He wanted to be gone, to be gone and dead forever. He wanted to end this, he wanted to be freed from it so badly.

Soon, winter would start. Fall was already in the run, so it wouldn’t be long until the first snow started to fall down. That’s when he decided when he would stop it, when he would take his last step on these grounds.

When the first flower gives out in bloom, he shall meet his doom.


End file.
